Ok, here is the part I really shy away from, that is, formulating some kind of "do this and you will succeed" kind of manifesto, but by request, here goes nothing...
The things I credit my relative success in DBing to, somewhat in order of importance (but maybe not in some cases):
1) VERY early on, even before DBing, realizing that MY actions were the ones I needed to be concerned with, not hers.
2) Finding DB and this site. It helped me build on the idea that I already had that I had a LOT of work to do on me before ever getting back to the marriage. DB's structure for doing this was my blueprint.
3) Getting a C for the first time in my life. I HATED the idea of counseling of ANY sort all my life. Forget that I studied for a time to BE a counselor early in my college days (who doesn't when they don't know what else to be). My C was WONDERFUL in helping me understand how much of "our" issues were probably born of MY issues, and thus, something I could work to correct.
4) Not making it all about the affair. My W continued her affair AFTER she confessed. This could have been the deal breaker, but see 1-3. I KNEW it was wrong as hell and would have to stop but at that point, there was really no marriage to speak of other than where it concerned the kids so WTH, it was either have her/me move out, or just learn to live with the sitch at hand and deal with all the issues I wanted to deal with on my own. I NEVER condoned her actions but in some way, mainly superficially, I forgave her so I could be a LITTLE less preoccupied with the OM/cheating.
5) This could very well be #1 but READING everything I could really helped me a lot. DB, The 5 Love Languages, Getting the Love You Want, The Four Agreements, The little Book of Letting go, Mars/Venus, and many others helped me understand the depth of change that was possible in me. Passionate Marriage capped it all off by providing a blueprint for how to implement all I had learned in the very specific yet far reaching area if intimacy.
5a) Learning EARLY on through this board and other sources that there are other vows than "thou shalt not f--k another man." and understanding that, I understood how damaged my marriage was because of MY broken vows. It made us on more even terms and thus I developed some compassion where there had only been anger and resentment before. I credit OT with a lot of this insight, along with a host of others that came before her.
6) Journaling A LOT, and also posting on other people's threads. This was the ONLY board I posted to so I spent a LOT of time here over the past year. The people here were ALWAYS wonderful and I got SO much from their advice to me, and to each other. POST, POST, POST.
7) Learned to do whatever came opposite of what my instinct told me to do... at least for a long time. If I thought I should talk to her, I probabaly shouldn't. If I thought I should lash out, I probabaly shouldn't. I learned to sound off HERE before doing it in my real life and thus managed to avoid what would surely have been disasterous conflicts.
Really, those are the big-ish ones. I know I could go on and on, but I think that about covers it in a nut-shell.
I am always happy to try to help when I can so if you want my opinion on your sitch, please post here and I will try. As Mama said, I don't come around as much anymore but it's not for lack of caring. I do care and I want to give back as much as I can.
