Moving forward...GH Saga moves to Piecicing!

[toughlover]

I think you're dead on the money here because, I'll bet in most cases, the M was dead in the water for months or years before the A. Maybe not always, but often. But the vows don't say, "for better or worse...unless she has an affair or he fails to meet her emotional needs..." There's not really an out clause, but I realize we're talking about choices and the quality of the marriage as well.

It IS a mutual responsibility. This stuff doesn't just happen overnight. For me it was a very gradual process...put the marriage in lukewarm water and slowly turn up the heat.

I *think* my divorce is busted and my marriage is saved. From everything I see and experience my W is both honoring her vows, honoring our "reconciliation agreement", and truly wants our M to be as good as it can be. But I think that's the rub: Many people don't want to "settle" for as good as it can be cause they're chasing an ideal situation.

Maybe not, but I think many are/do. I know I'm cherishing my wife and could probably win husband of the year right now. But there's a trust issue here that isn't easily overcome. I don't think it will ever be overcome, and maybe it is unrealistic to expect it to.

The thing is this: whether you come back "clean" or not (and my W did not), it's very difficult to get over the fact that, unknown to me, she was opening her body to another man (no condoms!) because, in her words, "I was on birth control, we were careful, and he's a respectable (heh) member of the community so you'd assume there's no risk."

Now the fact that the guy was clearly a liar and a cheater reduces his worthiness of anyone's respect. And yes, she's sounds like a complete idiot to think that. As I told her in the early days of this, "You're the most level-headed sounding flake I've ever known."

Not exactly textbook DB'ing, but it seemed accurate and relevant at the time.

Because although he was technically "clean" (jury's out on that in my opinion), she ended up with genital herpes anyway, and had it for a long time before she found out about it and told me. In fact, that's WHY she told me at all.

Now, that's a violent act that goes beyond a breaking of a vow. Mixing biological material like that and exposing it to someone without his consent is, in my opinion, a pathologically violent act, and my wife did this to me for three years because she not only assumed things but didn't have the common decency to avoid hopping between two beds (or invited someone into mind when I'm away on business).

That's a violation of trust and a breaking of vows, to be sure, but it's also something more fundamental which I don't think gets discussed enough. But when sex can not only transmit biomatter that can not only sicken but also kill you, doing what she did is sheer idiocy and, really, antisocial behavior with a complete disregard for my well-being. Even if she had used a condom every time it wouldn't have mattered, because her genital herpes was transmitted through oral sex because he had a cold sore, and a history of oral herpes anyhow.

Now, I was extremely destructive in our relationship, but I've never, ever exposed her to any sort of physical harm. In fact, I've always been very protective of her.

This is a huge issue to get over. She may never do anything like that again, I don't know.

I can trust her again because I choose to and, I believe, I'm obligated to, but she and I have a (currently) incurable reminder of this episode that has marked us physically for life.

Clearly, I'll/we'll never forget that, and I don't think I'll ever trust her like I did before, at least to the extent that I have full confidence in her taking my basic protection to heart. Maybe I'm wrong. It's only been 4 months. I DO believe she's learned her lesson in a big way, and she has been absolutely terrific during the last few months in getting past this.

I guess it would be different for me if she had simply refused to have sex with me (she never stopped in order to keep me in the dark that anything was different) while she was doing the other guy, or if she had been honest about it from the start. But she was a coward, a real chickensh!t; they both were.

But she gambled my health (and I'm diabetic) for her own selfishness and irresponsibility, and lost. I think I can live with it, but I don't know if I'll ever really get over it, and I think that IS worse than anything I *did or didn't do* to/for her.