I wanted to steer my previous post along the lines that we can spend oodles of time explaining the past - setting records straight, whatever it might be. And I think that is good if we learn from the past. Problem is we can dwell there too.
We can describe our own inadequacies and those of our spouses but what I fear (for me anyway) is that it becomes like a boat anchor - not letting us move on to the things we want to become...and very much possibly what our WAS's want too.
Your sitch is much like mine I think - I worked too much - took the focus away from my family, my wife, and MYSELF. On top of that, my W is messed up - parents D'd when she was 8 (Dad abandoned), is a ACOA...not good and so when things get tough, she ran. Twice.
What brought her back I think is my COMMITTMENT to changing myself which meant rearranging my life - but fortunately in a way that I wanted it to be. And I got myself to a place of contentment, sense of purpose, and vision where it is obvious what are the most important things for me. With that I shed the need look back - only to look forward.
What I hope someday might happen is that my WAW will say, "I don't know what I was thinking". But I don't ever expect that will come. What happened, happened and I had my part in that. And now I have that second chance (or actaully third) to build the best darn R I can so onward and upward.
That said, one change for me that has yielded positive results is standing up to WAW - one thing that I was poor at in the past. And I KNOW for a fact that she was very threatened by my wussiness. If I couldn't stand up to her and the kids, then how was I going to stand up FOR them. Now, while it might not be pretty - and mind you it's not a big knock down drag out fight - but if she is in a mood or frustrated and she directs it at me, I push right back.
Did that this weekend when she got all wound up because there were too many things going on. She put it on me. I said "oh no you don't - look I know you are frustrated but don't take it out on me". She was even more furious for a minute or two but 10 minutes later on our ride to lunch, she grabs my hand and says, "sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you".
Anyway, don't know where I was going with this - just as much a journal for my thread, but I thought I would just describe the comradery.
Forward,
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Last night I guess you could say we consummated the consummation of our reconciliation and this time I am left without a "I won't believe it until..." like I was after the first time we ML in almost a year. Something fundamental shifted in our R last night and while it started in the bedroom, I KNOW it will have lasting impact on our entire R.
I will try not to be too graphic but I have gone back and forth with OT and others about my intimacy issues. Well, last night, and that night two weeks or so ago, I began to learn that I didn't used to have intimacy issues... I SIMPLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT INTIMACY EVEN WAS!!!!
I do not know this woman who is my W and that's at once scary as hell and exhilarating. What I first experienced a couple weeks ago and then again last night (the the Nth degree) was intimacy incarnate.
I am learning so many things about myself and my wife through all this and one thing that keeps coming to mind is that statement that I made pretty early on that I would not take all this back if I could. If things are going to be like this, I could not have been more right. NO, having an affair is not the path to marital bliss but then again, if my W had not taken the extreme step towards leaving our marriage, I surely would not have gone through what I did, nor ended up where I am, a changed man full of wonder at the mystery of male/female relationships. I will NEVER condone what she did but I will also never portray it as the ultimate evil, devoid of ANY positive merit, that garners so much anger from most LBS. As I have said before, maybe in a different way, it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the LBS's ability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does. The blame for the rift belongs squarely on the WAS but the blame for it's enlargment often falls on us, the cheated on. Getting past that was the hardest thing I ever had to do but so entirely necessary for my own personal growth.
My W told me through all the talks we had during the bad times that what was lacking between us was passion and intimacy. She was right of course but wrong in that it could never be passionate or intimate between us. She thought it was just something that happened. I know better, or should I say, through my reading and you all, I learned to know better.
What I found out last night was just how passionless and lacking in intimacy sex could be. I learned that because what I experienced last night was such a "togetherness" beyond anything I have ever had, with anyone, especially my W and that hurts to say.
She was open, direct and we actually talked during, something we NEVER did before. She asked for what she wanted and I did too. We did for each other in a way that we never did before.
I found out that this other woman lives in my W's body and I think it's possible OM may have brought her out but I don't really give a damn because all I care about is building on this experience and growing together. I truly think we started down that path last night. My W must have learned a lot about herself in all this and now she's starting to realize that she can use that knowledge to make her life with me better. She HAS to know I might think it comes from her "passionate" (her words) experiences with him but she took the risk to open up to me last night and I welcomed it totally. It was so funny/sweet/sexy to see/hear her take baby steps, almost as if she were saying "Ok, let me try this and see what he does but totally afraid that I would shriek with terror and run out of the room." Clearly I did not and that must have felt so good to her, so safe. I think that's what she never felt with me before and I think it's because I never acted like I was safe with her, willing to risk being open myself.
I hate to go on but I just want to make the point for some people who may question my apparent lack of anger over the affair, or wonder how I have the perspective I do. I have it because I knew that DB held the answers for me. I knew that there were things wrong with our marriage that could be addressed and that the OM was only a symptom. I also knew that there was a side of my W, filled with passion and lust for romance, that was going totally untapped in our marriage and I wanted, NEEDED to learn more about that.
Could I have just lashed out and let my anger, that WAS there in large doses, consume me? Yep, and sometimes I did, but ALWAYS there was the idea in my head that the ultimate goal was to have a stronger, lasting marriage built on the idea that change HAD to occur in order for there to be any future between us.
I just never imagined that all of what was lacking FROM MY PERSPECTIVE (remember, us LBS are behind the curve when it comes to figuring out that the marriage sucks for us too) was stirring under the surface of my W and all I had to do was learn to take risks, REAL emotional risks (thank you SO much OT for this) and just go for what I wanted.
All along, what I wanted and what my W wanted was the same thing. We just lacked the communication skills to express that and now, having gone through all this, neither of us are willing to just sit back and let any aspect of our marriage happen without our active participation (of course in all honesty, this has been 99% me until recently but now I think my W is starting to "get it" more and more).
Last night I did what OT told me to do months ago. I "took" my W and while I am no expert on the validity of the female sexual experience, I would have to say she liked it a LOT. She turned into this person, this intensely sexual person, that I never imagined existed. It was amazing, it really was.
I guess at this point, I have to feel pretty lucky. I know I have it good all things considered but there is still a lot of work to do and that won't change, well, ever.
Marriage is work and now I think I understand that the best marriages are also the marriages where the couple works the hardest. Coasting, through the good times, OR the bad times, expecting that emotion, circumstance or fate will intervene and keep things going is a recipe for failure.
I have not succeeded yet but I do think that I can honestly say that reconciliation has begun in earnest and not just because of last night.
We argue now and then make up. We disagree and it doesn't ruin the day. I don't give in to her and she doesn't resent me for it.
We have our ongoing issues for sure and many of you know all about them but I think as the lines of communication open up, and yes, they are opening up in the bedroom and staying open out of it, our other issues are feeling less important, less "big" in the grand scheme of things.
I would love to say my divorce has been busted. In truth, my W never did use the word divorce once in all this mess but in my head, it was always where we could have ended up.
This may sound like an epilogue but I know it's not.
You know I never journaled once in my life before this and it's now something I can't imagine not doing to some extent. I truly hope my story can help someone else get through this but if nothing else, it helps me process my thoughts/feelings and track my progress, or lack thereof.
Thank you for stopping by and I can only hope my story keeps going in a direction that can inspire.
There is still that tiny part of me, existing SO much deeper than a few months ago, that is afraid the rug will be pulled out from me, and that the rug is now 1000 miles off the ground, but WTH, life is nothing without risk.
Not being a natural risk taker, I had to learn that the hard way... by realizing that NOT taking risks is the biggest risk you can take.
Quote: it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the LBS's ability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does.
you have helped me lots today, I fell off the DB wagon and fell into a pit last night, have changed my name since i'm certain my H has seen my post about his diary (he's asked me for it "the little black book") I posted on BI's thread and she told me to come over here, I see why now, I really screwed up.
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
Once in a blue moon sex may keep men horny, but it kills the libido for women. More sex and consistent sex is very important to a woman's interest in and enjoyment of sex. Less is not more in this case.
Thanks OT. Yea, one of the new things I am doing is talking a LOT more. Not that sophomoric crap I used to spew. She really seems to like this.
As for the increase in frequency, even in the good times, the OLD times, we never did it that often. I wanted to but she never did. Maybe it was just something specific about then and maybe that's changed now.
I will have to talk to her about that in case my "actions" don't result in an increase in frequency.
I think the biggest problem is that we are both so tired at the end of the day and that's really the only time we have available. The two nights it's happened recently were nights where the day was less stressful and we were not so tired.
I think as we move forward, I keep up the "new me" stuff, she keeps being more open to me, and our issues get worked out, things will progress in this area.
I am NOT going to rest on this. I am getting a MUCH better idea of what makes my W tick and I plan to use every ounce of knowledge I get to help make my sitch better. The good news is that I think she is too.
!!!