I wanted to steer my previous post along the lines that we can spend oodles of time explaining the past - setting records straight, whatever it might be. And I think that is good if we learn from the past. Problem is we can dwell there too.
We can describe our own inadequacies and those of our spouses but what I fear (for me anyway) is that it becomes like a boat anchor - not letting us move on to the things we want to become...and very much possibly what our WAS's want too.
Your sitch is much like mine I think - I worked too much - took the focus away from my family, my wife, and MYSELF. On top of that, my W is messed up - parents D'd when she was 8 (Dad abandoned), is a ACOA...not good and so when things get tough, she ran. Twice.
What brought her back I think is my COMMITTMENT to changing myself which meant rearranging my life - but fortunately in a way that I wanted it to be. And I got myself to a place of contentment, sense of purpose, and vision where it is obvious what are the most important things for me. With that I shed the need look back - only to look forward.
What I hope someday might happen is that my WAW will say, "I don't know what I was thinking". But I don't ever expect that will come. What happened, happened and I had my part in that. And now I have that second chance (or actaully third) to build the best darn R I can so onward and upward.
That said, one change for me that has yielded positive results is standing up to WAW - one thing that I was poor at in the past. And I KNOW for a fact that she was very threatened by my wussiness. If I couldn't stand up to her and the kids, then how was I going to stand up FOR them. Now, while it might not be pretty - and mind you it's not a big knock down drag out fight - but if she is in a mood or frustrated and she directs it at me, I push right back.
Did that this weekend when she got all wound up because there were too many things going on. She put it on me. I said "oh no you don't - look I know you are frustrated but don't take it out on me". She was even more furious for a minute or two but 10 minutes later on our ride to lunch, she grabs my hand and says, "sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you".
Anyway, don't know where I was going with this - just as much a journal for my thread, but I thought I would just describe the comradery.
Forward,
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
