Reading back over it, I realize I was VERY confusing in what I wrote and left out something very important from what I posted. Prepare for another long one...Part 2 of my journal as prompted by OT, lol!
My W said one of her biggest pet-peeves was that I have to have a plan, especially where she was concerned. She said that she would LOVE it if she could wake up one Saturday/Sunday and not feel like she had some obligation to live up to my expectations, my (or her's for that matter) plans.
She said, specifically referring to Sunday (the next day after our talk) that she really DID want to go but felt like she should stay and get things done but most of all, she wanted to be free to make HER OWN decision about that in the morning. I agreed with that, and also that I usually didn't really do to well when that was the case. I told her I needed to do a better job of letting our weekend time be free from the usual stressful morning times we have during the week.
In the morning, she slept in while I got up with the kids, something I do every weekend morning. I made sure they went in and gave her a hug, and then got them breakfast. After that, at around 9:00 or so, I went and laid down with her. She immediately asked if I was leaving already with a touch of "you rushing to get out of here so soon" (normally I would be gone by then if it's just us because I have been up since 7:00). I said no, just that they were occupied and I wanted to say good morning to her. We snuggled for a bit and then she asked me to make her some tea. I did and she came down. The kids and I were busy finding some specimens to look at under S6's new microscope, something that I'm sure she was surprised at...that I wasn't pacing, waiting to leave until she got up, said goodbye, whatever. The point is, I was having fun with the boys, not in a hurry to go, something that I doubt I had ever done, or at least not when there were plans to go somewhere. It was REALLY nice. Maybe there is something to all this relaxing stuff.
SO, she announces that she wanted to go and could we wait for her to get ready? I said sure and again, made it a point not to go into the bathroom 5 times to "get something", i.e. pressure her to hurry up. We just continued to do what we were doing. At one point she even asked if I still wanted to go. I asked why and she said "usually you're anxious, that's all." I said "nope, I still want to go but if you want to go too, we can wait." She smiled a LOT that morning.
The part about her being miserable was ONLY referring to some specific things like waiting in line, etc. I think she laughed and played with the boys more yesterday than she has in a LONG time and overall, despite the fact that she's not the biggest theme park fan in the world, she said she really had a great time, and that was even made better when I washed her car first thing when we got home (something she wanted to get done) and helped her with the laundry. It was a REALLY good day because I think she trusted me to relax and also to help out without an attitude at the end of the day. That's big for me AND her.
Quote: W would like some alone adult time when she is free from child care and family duties, including being a W.
We talked about this that night and I told her I noticed that after both of us acknowleging that she needed to have more "adult" time and go out with friends, etc, she only done it once and then stopped pursuing a "life" outside the house. She tried to blame in on her friends, etc, but eventually got around to saying she still felt like I suspected something every time she left the house, especially at night. I assured her that I did not and asked if my actions reflected that. She admitted they did and thanked me for that. I asked her to forgive herself and she said it was hard, and that she doesn't know if she will ever feel "ok" about all this. I said I understood and wanted to help her any way I could to feel like it was ok to live again, even more "ok" than ever before because now I understood what an a$$ I had been all these years.
She seemed to really appreciate hearing that.
Quote: 3. It is important to W to have a true day off on a *consistent* basis.
Well, as I said above, and I will add to now, I have been on her for weeks to continue to pursue "time off" but she chooses not to. She keeps saying OVER and OVER AGAIN that she only wants to go out maybe once a month. I AM THE ONE who says "No, go out once a WEEK, you deserve that."
I already went into why she says it is that she doesn't go out and I THINK she will make more of an effort now. I can't force her to do it. All I can do is make sure that my money is where my mouth is, i.e. don't be a passive/aggressive jerk who says "go out honey, I want you to have fun" and then when she does, freak out. Those days are done and I think she knows that now.
Quote: 4. It is selfish of me to consistently put my need for together family time above W's need for alone time.
It's REALLY hard to do this when I consistently try to give her alone time, when she wants it but then she asks me to either include her in whatever we are doing or asks me to stay around. It's like I can't win sometimes. Sunday I REALLY wanted to give her the time she asked for because I TRULY enjoy my time alone with the boys and she knows it, but when she decided to go, I wasn't going to argue with her even though I thought she was maybe falling on the "family sword" again. She said above all else, she wanted to feel free to either stay or go and I made sure I didn't do anything to make her think she didn't.
Quote: 5. While I enjoy weekend family time, I can do more to make quality family time during the week so that my needs are met in a way that also allows for W's needs to be met (including a whole day on a regular basis).
I would LOVE to let her have "whole days" on regular basis, and I think it's been pretty clear that I don't want to criticize my W in all this but I do want to point out that I get up and prepare the kids for school, then she takes them to school by 8:30am and picks them up at 3:30pm. Between dropping them off and picking them up, she has 7 hours of "me time". She almost never goes home, and when she does, she doesn't do any house work or anything like that. She/we always do that during "family" time in the evening. So between S6's various sports stuff and just general living, cleaning, cooking, etc, there isn't much time for quality family time.
I TOTALLY get what you are saying but there seems to be a lot of ways she could get her "alone time" quota filled other than me somehow making the day "free" for her. I will, however, make even more sure she knows she has the time to do that and that I am going to do my part to make it happen. It's still on her to take advantage of it.
Quote: I can also do more to give W true time off at least two nights a week.
Like what? I already look after the boys, by myself most every night while she sometimes cleans, cooks, rests, etc. I offer to help, or just help with most everything else like laundry, cooking, cleaning (I do the kitchen after every meal). What else can I do?
She claims to want me around MORE, not less, it's just that she wants to be able to have a choice as to when that is I guess. If I try to give her the entire day off, she claims I am avoiding her/leaving her "alone" in a bad way, if I am around, she doesn't have "me" time.
In the end, what she said on Saturday was that she wants me to be around but for all the tension/anger to be gone. THIS I totally get!
Quote: 7. My W wanting alone time free from obligation is perfectly normal and healthy. I will not personalize it and take it as rejection, which ruins any alone time my W may manage to get because I wind up acting out in direct and indirect ways that pressure her and make her feel guilty. I will not manipulate my W by using her perfectionist streak as a mother and wife to get my way.
This last part I will really take to heart. I have nothing to say to that because I think I do it. As for the acting out part, I really do think I have that under control. I speak my mind on most issues and if I don't, I make it a conscious decision to purge the thoughts.
I know it healthy for her to want her time to be alone and to see friends as it is for me to want the same thing. I just have a LOT of history to overcome to convince her that I will not be the same a$$ I used to be about this stuff.
Quote: I find joy in supporting my W by working with her so that she can find some balance in her life that includes time that is truly hers and empowers her to find more happiness.
I do, and I think she now knows that after Saturday's convo (really long before then but didn't realize it).
Quote: 9. I will appreciate my alone time much more than I have and never again take for granted the sacrifice W makes in terms of alone time, the possibility of which is so small and seldom realized.
I do appreciate MY alone time and always had, probably too much. As for her alone time, even though she gets 7 hours a day of "alone time", I still do try as much as I can to make time for her to do that, and until this post, I never really thought much about that 7 hours.
OT, I get how much work I have to do, but as usual, she has some work to do as well like learning to communicate directly and actually taking advantage of the time SHE already has to be alone.
I know I have more to think about now because of you OT. Thanks as usual, lol.
