GH - can I just ask you a few questions? I may get to them in your threads but I'm only on the second right now and TBH, I'm skimming.
So - how did you deal with DW continuing the affair? It doesn't seem like you were angry - maybe I missed that part. Did you know who the man was? Do you now? Did you want details?
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I was angry, but mainly I was hurt. I was devastated. I was totally caught off guard. I think it took me awhile to get angry but I did. I don't know how much I conveyed that in my posts.
The problem is that my anger was one of the BIG issues that caused my marriage to go south and once I got into therapy, I figured that out right away. I also figured out pretty early on that anger, while perfectly natural, would not really help me get anywhere in my sitch. I just vented a LOT (pounded pillows, etc) and learned to get it out of my system. I also took to working out, running, etc. It helped.
I did not know the man. I know who he was in terms of I saw them together (all this is documented somewhere in my posts if you want the long version) once. I didn't need to, nor want to know details. It didn't matter to me and I knew that the more I knew, the harder it would be for me to get past it. This has been proven to be true for a LOT of people on this board.
Eventually my W did come clean on a lot of the details and at the time she did it, in the beginning of what was supposed to be our reconciliation, it was ok for me to hear.
The bottom line is if you can't get past the anger, you can't get to anything else. It really is that simple. The people who get hung up on how unfair it is, or painful it is, or how angry they are don't usually get very far.
Quote: The bottom line is if you can't get past the anger, you can't get to anything else. It really is that simple. The people who get hung up on how unfair it is, or painful it is, or how angry they are don't usually get very far.
Bingo!
I don't think you're a grasshopper...you're the zen db master
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I'm just trying to help as much as I have been helped by Frank, NYS, OT, Amy, Mama, Spitfire, SS, and MANY MANY others along the way here. Without this place, I would not be hopping at all, grass or otherwise.
....that is the beautiful thing about this board,, we have come to realize what a GIFT being Married and being loved by the one you love is,, so we all help one another to make this Journey so much richer. God bless...
First of all, I admire your strengh. You did a great job.
Quote:
The bottom line is if you can't get past the anger, you can't get to anything else. It really is that simple. The people who get hung up on how unfair it is, or painful it is, or how angry they are don't usually get very far.
GH
As a warning to others, this statement is SO TRUE. I couldn't get over it, now W kicked me out again. I probably ruined my last chance.
WARNING! VERY VERY VERY LONG POST AHEAD. READ WITH CAUTION/COFFEE IN HAND!
I wish I could have gotten to this sooner. Weekend schedule prevented it though.
Had an interesting day/night on Saturday.
The day started out ok, with me looking after the boys while W sold stuff in a community garage sale. We had planned on doing that for the morning and then I was going to take them to Disney while W went to the gym/shopping. Well, things didn't work out that way because the boys were not being good and thus didn't get their trip. I was also in a bad mood with a headache.
Long story short on that part of it, this was a bad sitch because there was a lot of yelling and such, and it furthered W's idea that I can't handle staying home with the boys without conflict. She thinks I need to be going somewhere all the time or else I am not happy. I knew it was going to be seen as that but still managed not to pull myself out of my funk. I COULD have done it but for whatever reason decided not to. Oh well, we all have our bad days.
Anyway, the afternoon was pretty ok. We all went to eat and shopping together and managed to have a good time. I promised the boys the trip on Sunday if they were good and they were so...
Anyway, after a long day, getting home 2 hours after their bedtime, we wound down and put them to bed.
A bit later, and I don't remember how, W started talking to me about how the day went, etc.
She had decided that she didn't want to go with us to Disney the next day because there was too much work to do around the house that she meant to do but never got around to. I said I would help out and do as much as I can that night so she could feel free to go. She got pissy and started telling me how it makes her feel when I do that, (in my interpretation I gave back to her I try to "save" her from things I think she doesn't want to do, etc) get all pissed because she doesn't want to do things like spend all day "playing", and that she enjoys staying home sometimes to get things done. She said she didn't mind me taking them out because that's "how I am" and how I need to be doing "fun" things all the time. I got a bit defensive. I told her I hated when she insinuated that I didn't do anything. I admitted that she never really SAID that but I read that into what she said.
She said she knew I worked hard all week long and didn't mind me taking them out for some fun (BTW, this was the FIRST time in forever she even acknowledged that I worked hard) but that she wished she could take time to do what she needed to do without feeling the guilt I put on her.
I told her I understood why she felt that way but that I only wanted HER to be able to relax and that I had a chip on my shoulder because of all the times she said she didn't LIKE how I helped her. She said I had it wrong and that staying home WOULD make her happy but she always felt pressure to join us. I assured her I didn't intend for that but I totally got what she was saying.
In the course of the convo, things started to turn to my treatment of S6. She said I was too hard on him and in particular didn't like when I embarrassed him in public/dragged him out of situations. I asked her if she meant that she thought I was too "physical" with him and she said no, just that the way I do it seems VERY intimidating. She started to cry and said that her parents used to do that to her and she swore she'd never do it to her kids. From there we started a pretty long convo about my/our parenting and how things are still bad.
To clarify, my anger, especially around the kids, is one of the nails that almost closed the coffin on our marriage and one of the things I have worked the hardest to correct. I THOUGHT I was doing much better than I was, but due to some uncharacteristic direct communication from my W, I now realize I have not. I have slipped back into some of my bad habits.
So we talked, even to the point of me getting emotional because I realized how right she was. I told her that she just had to tell me these things because I am only doing what I know to do and without her input, I just assume it's "right". I told her I agree with her perception and want to change, WILL change now that the picture is clearer to me.
She said she thought I knew how things were. I told her that I didn't and for her to think "Even though I know S6 needs discipline, he's really aggressive towards S6 and hurts his feelings a lot more than necessary." and not suspect that I may not know I am doing that means she thinks that I am somehow intending to do it. I assured her I was not and repeated that I needed her perspective on these things.
We continued to talk more, eventually talking about us and how these issues played into what happened. I told her how committed to changing the dynamic of our marriage/family I was. We touched on both of our wishes to go out more and she said she would look harder for a babysitter.
We talked about her changed attitude as far as reassuring me when things look "bad", i.e. not answering her phone, etc. I let her know that I appreciated that more than she could know. She said she still felt "guilty" for what she did and thought she would have to live with it forever. I reassured her that it was NOT on my mind anymore and she should forgive herself. I encouraged her to go out with friends and for us to go out more too. She said she wanted that.
It was a pretty good exchange but I still wish she could learn to talk to be before things get to the breaking point, as they obviously had (she told me she had taken to going in the bathroom just to get away from all the yelling, both me to the boys and them to me).
She once again said she would LIKE to talk to me more but that I used to get so defensive. I asked her when the last time I reacted to her like that was. She agreed that it had been a long time and said she appreciated that.
One of the last things I wanted her to realize was just how often I had sat on the counter, edge of the couch, etc and talked "down" to her. She said it had been awhile. I pointed out that it had been ever since she made me realize how I did that and how it made her feel. I said "see, I DO listen to you and really appreciate you trusting me enough to point those kinds of things out. I know you may not have realized how important it was for me to learn that since it was a small part of a much larger, deeper conversation, but I heard you loud and clear, just like I do now."
This was another step in rebuilding what was broken. We have never really talked about these things and I learned SO much from just listening and I think she did too.
It was far from all good since it underscored that as much as things seem to have changed, in many ways they haven't. The MAJOR change is that we now talk about things that are wrong and I think that is a very good thing.
I am still very much a work in progress but the day after all this, yesterday, was I think even from W's perspective, one of our better days together. She did end up going with us to the park and though she was miserable some of the time, she ended up having a good time. We did some house work together when we got home and I think it was all good.
Geezus, I need to do this more often. Sorry again for the length!
well, holding a cup of yogurt but it's almost the same
I can understand your W's reaction, I always had the same prob w/my H and it was a major source of fights, me actively defending our s8 and telling H how wrong and overly agreesive he was with the boy, H never backed down.
During C he said the exact same thing you did " I am only doing what I know to do" His father was a psycho who cared for no one but himself and was verbally and physically abusive to his mom, sister and him, so he really didnt' have a good father figure.
It helped so much when the C told him "remember, you have to be a gentle giant, your son's life is in your hands, you have the power to do anything you want w/him and he'd have no choice, he is totally dependent on you. When you are rough w/him you are telling him ' you are a bad boy", and you don't want that do you? Remember that you have all the power, he has none, be always a gentle giant" To me he advise to not jump to conclusions and bite my tongue when I thought he was being too agresive and wait 'til we were along to confront him, not to shoot him down but to come up w/a plan on how we'd handle s8's misbehaviors.
I give my H credit for controlling himself more and for correcting my son in a better way.
I'm glad you guys are communicated much better! As for the sitter, go ahead and plan something to do together and come hell or fire find a sitter to go, sometimes our good intentions ("i'll find a sitter eventually") go nowhere, there's bound to be someone out there! Anyways, glad you guys got things out in the open.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
GH, Don't have much time but I am really glad that the two of you communicated!! This is huge!! Do follow thru on the babysitter and when you go out have FUN, no R talks, don't even talk about the kids. It will mean so much to the both of you.
