Here are some excerpts from the first part of the book “Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors; Strengthening Attachment Bonds” by Susan Johnson.
Secure dependence and autonomy are two sides of the same coin, rather than dichotomies. The more securely connected we are, the more separate and different we can be. (p. 38)
It is emotional engagement that is crucial. In attachment terms, any response (even anger) is better than none. If there is no engagement, no emotional responsiveness, the message from the attachment figure is “Your signals do not matter, and there is no connection between us.” (p.39)
Attachment behaviors become heightened and intense as anxious clinging, pursuit, and even aggressive attempts to obtain a response from the loved one escalate. (p.39)
Working models are formed, elaborates, maintained, and, most important for the couple therapist, changed through emotional communication. (p. 41)
The reason working models and the associated engagement strategies remain stable, when they do, is that they are actively constructed, enacted, and confirmed in present relationships. (p 42)
What may be expected to resolve conflict and foster relationship satisfaction then is not so much new insights or new contracts about pragmatic issues, but the emotional attunement and responsiveness that make for a more secure bond. (p. 47)
The value I see in this emotionally focused therapy (EFT) approach is as an OVERLAY to the other methods we have discussed here, not as a substitute. Adult attachment explains the cause of anxiety in a very safe, non-blaming sort of way. I also think it bridges the gap between other-validation therapy, such as Hendrix, and self-validation therapy, such as Schnarch. Other ideas we have discussed here can also benefit, such as the following dynamics:
• avoider/pursuer • one-up/one-down • love languages • Harley’s Love Busters • Alpha male
It seems to me that each of these approaches can work for certain types of couples, but not for all. So with an understanding of adult attachment, I can see a new level of why all these concepts work as they do, why they do not, and how to make them better, with regard to an individual situation. A greater understanding of the underlying anxiety that drives the dysfunctional behavior, what that person is really crying out for, and what we can do to address that hurt can go a long way toward reestablishing trust, empathy and compassion. Once those bonds are recreated, the relationship is firmly on the road to recovery. But without a true understanding that the soothing of fear and anxiety is the primary purpose of these approaches, it can be easy to get sidetracked off that narrow path and fall into a power struggle.
