Just talking out loud here, but I think when Cobra brings up that we seek the mother/father in our spouses, he may mean that men want emotional nuturing and support from their Ws, and women want direction and encouragement from their Hs. So long as neither is taken too far.
Yes, now you are getting it. I never presumed anyone wants to go back home and live with their parents. Maybe I was unclear. Sorry for the confusion.
I can see that as mothering/fathering... but Cobra, I also see it as a purely m/f dynamic, that if taken too far, can cause all KINDS of problems within the M. That is why I think it is so important for both people within an R to have a very solid sense of self... or I will relie on you TOO much, take the daddy thing too far... set the R up as a parent/child relationship... and watch it all spiral out of control.
Again, his is exactly what I am saying. Finding your way out of a trouble R is not easy. There is a narrow window of opportunity and you must walk a very thin line. Too far in either direction and you wind up in D court. Yes, mother/fathering is precisely M/F dynamics, but I think it is important to tie the M/F dynamic to your personal mother/father dynamic to better gain your solid sense of self, KWIS? This can be especially valuable to your spouse since it will help them to better understand your particular love language.
Recall that my W and I had problems with the IMAGO approach. I had some emptiness with the Schnarch approach. There is a balance between all the approaches, just as there is with M/F dynamics, with too much FOO or too little FOO, with pushing too hard and not pushing hard enough. For many, finding that thin line can be to overwhelming and scary, so it feels safer to stay stuck. But for me, the attachment theory neatly ties up a lot of loose ends and offers a different POV that seems to actually allow a little wider path with a little more room for understanding and therefore error.
