Quote: ... Could you be using sarcasm as a defensive tactic to keep her out of your inner secrets?
possible...but not like you describe below
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That puts a nice twist on, it doesn’t it? You do something you think is harmless, just a little sarcasm, trying to be funny and keep above the fighting. Heck, down inside you know you are a nice guy, a guy’s guy. But could that really be a blockage, a deflection that is meant to set HER off and make HER look like the angry, dysfunctional person? That makes a convenient excuse to keep your distance and maintain your walls. You become the hapless victim. Staying in your shell becomes almost a noble act, trying to keep the peace and not engage. Very intricate passive aggression. I couldn’t pull that one off. What are you hiding behind those walls?
The problem I see is that if you were truly the “victim” I do not think you would have the sarcasm you do. You would feel under siege and would not see anything funny about it. Furthermore, you KNOW that your sarcasm sets her off and you do it anyway. There is an element of manipulation here, can you see that?
Let’s see… step out of the shell for just a moment…. poke, poke, poke… is she getting mad yet?.... poke, poke, poke….. there she goes, I can see her getting ready to blow. Quick! Back into the shell and act like you did nothing wrong! Are you doing this?
nope. absolutely not. I'm not a manipulator. and the complaint isn't a "sarcastic response", but no response at all. I don't instigate these arguments...well, they're not really arguments, either, because I won't engage. so they're mostly what you'd call "gripe sessions". she attacks, and I withdraw.
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You might think long and hard about doing an about face while you still can. Get over your anger. Could this be not only anger at some past issue but maybe at yourself too? You are the “victim” aren’t you? Yet you walk on eggshells and keep taking her wrath. Now how is that a “guy” thing? Referring to being led or dominated, you said “yep. probably so. but I have been...and I resent the hell out of it.” Doesn’t this make my point? Aren’t you really frustrated with yourself for taking it? Find a way to stop walking on eggshells and stop the manipulation. To do that, stop the sarcasm and learn to open up honestly. If that is too scary, then do some soul searching first. Talk about your issues here.
that seems to be a contradiction, to me. "walking on eggshells" is avoidance; manipulation requires some positive action to generate a response, which I am most certainly NOT doing.
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C was able to get through to W what an awful thing this was, etc, etc, and when W got it, she was horrified, extremely appologetic and so forth...but you can't just put that genie back in the bottle.
What does this mean? She realized what she did, she apologized. I assume that for at least a while she stopped whatever awful thing she was doing. Yet are you saying that is not good enough, that once she dares to offend you there can be no forgiveness? Would you prefer she not come to this realization, not change and not apologize? What is your purpose in harboring this resentment?
there is no conscious "purpose"; it just "is". it is a learned response to negative consequenses. touch a hot stove: get burned. learn to avoid touching the hot stove. simple as that. "forgiveness", "resentment", "anger"...I have to go look up those words. I'm too much of an engineer type. You people keep saying stuff like "the glass is half full/empty"...I say, "the 8oz vessel contains 4oz of fluid." its not negative, its not positive, it just IS. I keep seeing people say that we "choose" these feelings, and I think its hogwash. Those emotions are not something that you can simply turn on or off; they just "are". and they're the result of past experience. reminds me of courtroom dramas, where inadmisable statements are made, or evidence introduced...objections are raised, and the judge instruct the jury to "disregard that elephant that just walked through the jury box". well, they can't "disregard", because they're human. the cat is out of the bag; he ain't going back in.
Quote: I dont' think it has anything to do with my mother.
Ok, if not your mother, then who? You dad? Was he a macho, funny guy who avoided exposing his emotions? Who taught you to be “funny?” Who did the emotional damage to you?
ok, I get this now...didn't before. I thought you were implying some weird oedipal thing...yeah, sure, I learned to communicate (or "not communicate) from my parents. I am my mother; w is my father. my father rants and raves...mom ignores. sick, isn't it? Conversly, W's parents do nothing but yell and scream at each other. I can't stand it. makes me just want to curl up in a ball. thats totally defensive; not "manipulative". and its at least a little bit conscious, because I know that trying to confront someone that is "flying off the handle" by doing the same thing in response, is an exercise in futility. It only makes things worse.
