I understand the housing situation. But if it comes to D, it doesn’t matter, you’re screwed. It’s not fair, but that’s the way the law works. So if you don’t want to go there, do what you need to do.
As far as your relationship goes, I totally misunderstood. I thought she walked on eggshells. Wait, I take that back. I didn’t misunderstand, you said the walking on eggshells pertains to “the wife.” I hope that isn’t indicative of other communication problems, but I am guessing it is. Don’t assume. Make yourself clear, then have her repeat it back if you need to. You can repeat back her comments. This type of communication problem can be harmful, especially if you both tend to make assumptions, but there is no reason for it. It is too easy to solve. You just have to want to solve it.
Have you read the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells?” Maybe you should. You may be giving up too much power by letting her invade your boundaries. When one person walks on eggshells, there is a harmful imbalance in the relationship. You must stand up for yourself. Blackfoot just made the same comments to me.
You seem to understand that you have a passive aggressive tendency, and yes, sarcasm can be funny. Do you intend it in the way that guys poke fun at each other? That is a form of male bonding, but women just don’t get it. As soon as you make a sarcastic remark at your wife, her social conditioning makes her start to internalize the comment. She has been trained by other women to get in touch with her emotions, to become vulnerable in order to connect. Guys learn to brush off sarcastic comments and then try to one-up each other in a competitive sort of game. You should know all this. It is not new. She is not a guy.
Being funny and entertaining is the best way for guys to connect to a woman, thinking that if they can get her to laugh, they can break through the ice, right? Nothing wrong with that, except the reason for breaking the ice in the first place is to make the emotional connection, to allow HER to feel the familiar feminine bond she feels with her girl friends. But if you never allow this emotional openness to take place and instead just keep on being “funny,” then your sarcasm may become a source of frustration for her, sort of like a male tease.
I am assuming you are here because you want to reconnect with your wife. Then why are you using something that is becoming a wall between you? Maybe it feels comfortable to have that wall there? Could you be using sarcasm as a defensive tactic to keep her out of your inner secrets?
That puts a nice twist on, it doesn’t it? You do something you think is harmless, just a little sarcasm, trying to be funny and keep above the fighting. Heck, down inside you know you are a nice guy, a guy’s guy. But could that really be a blockage, a deflection that is meant to set HER off and make HER look like the angry, dysfunctional person? That makes a convenient excuse to keep your distance and maintain your walls. You become the hapless victim. Staying in your shell becomes almost a noble act, trying to keep the peace and not engage. Very intricate passive aggression. I couldn’t pull that one off. What are you hiding behind those walls?
The problem I see is that if you were truly the “victim” I do not think you would have the sarcasm you do. You would feel under siege and would not see anything funny about it. Furthermore, you KNOW that your sarcasm sets her off and you do it anyway. There is an element of manipulation here, can you see that?
Let’s see… step out of the shell for just a moment…. poke, poke, poke… is she getting mad yet?.... poke, poke, poke….. there she goes, I can see her getting ready to blow. Quick! Back into the shell and act like you did nothing wrong! Are you doing this?
I do think you are a victim, but I think the perpetrator is you, not your wife. Your intricate plan to protect yourself emotionally is also contrived to protect your self image. It is not a “guy” thing to admit to a fear of intimacy. That’s pretty touchy-feely stuff. Better to portray the wife as a demon whom you must tolerate for the sake of the kids. That way you can get praise from others for your tolerance. Heck, even the counselor will buy it.
Now, be REAL careful of what you ask for. If the wife were to get into more counseling to control her anger, a lot of other stuff will come out. She might also come to the same realization I am outlining here. You think she’s pissed now, just what until she figures this one out.
You might think long and hard about doing an about face while you still can. Get over your anger. Could this be not only anger at some past issue but maybe at yourself too? You are the “victim” aren’t you? Yet you walk on eggshells and keep taking her wrath. Now how is that a “guy” thing? Referring to being led or dominated, you said “yep. probably so. but I have been...and I resent the hell out of it.” Doesn’t this make my point? Aren’t you really frustrated with yourself for taking it? Find a way to stop walking on eggshells and stop the manipulation. To do that, stop the sarcasm and learn to open up honestly. If that is too scary, then do some soul searching first. Talk about your issues here.
There have been times in the past when I have "revealed" my feelings on some very difficult subjects, and she has taken those feelings and used them as a weapon against me.
Yeah, I know this one. But if what I speculate above has merit, can you understand why she might be upset? Remember, she is as damaged and dysfunctional as you are. She probably sees things only from her perspective, as you do. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has here own set of manipulative game plans. Try to understand her POV. Don’t ask me to explain, ask her. C was able to get through to W what an awful thing this was, etc, etc, and when W got it, she was horrified, extremely appologetic and so forth...but you can't just put that genie back in the bottle.
What does this mean? She realized what she did, she apologized. I assume that for at least a while she stopped whatever awful thing she was doing. Yet are you saying that is not good enough, that once she dares to offend you there can be no forgiveness? Would you prefer she not come to this realization, not change and not apologize? What is your purpose in harboring this resentment?
I dont' think it has anything to do with my mother.
Ok, if not your mother, then who? You dad? Was he a macho, funny guy who avoided exposing his emotions? Who taught you to be “funny?” Who did the emotional damage to you?
