Adult Attachment Disorder

[cac4]

a few things I need to straighten out, here...but generally, yeay, I think you have me nailed.

• You say your attempts to communicate turn out badly – you just can’t help yourself and this is just guy stuff

not that "I can't help myself" so much; just that it seems a fairly typical "mars/venus" situation.

• You say you can’t afford D. You can’t divorce responsibility. This sounds like rationalization on why you cannot D. Could be an avoidance tactic?

maybe...or maybe its just a fact. I live in one of the most expensive real estate markets in the country. The only reason I have a house is because I bought it 12 years ago; I could not afford to buy that house today. Just this week, I heard a report on the news that since we've been married (1989), productivity and corporate profits are up 50%, but wages are down 3%...and real estate is up about 300%. My house is a low-priced one; if it were sold and the proceeds split in half, we'd each have...."nothing". Apartments cost far more than our monthly mortgage...I can not afford 2 dwellings, its that simple. W does not work outside the house; her earning potential is no more than the cost of daycare for jr...
divesting of the real estate would be an optimistic outcome around these parts, according to my friend, the lawyer, who says its more typical for judges to declare that the mom lives in the house w/ kids until they are grown, before any such transactions take place...yet daddy gets to keep paying the bill. I'm not saying that it would "sting" financially, and I'd have to give up my country club membership and my month in the Bahamas every winter; I'm saying I'd be freakin' homeless...no joke, no exaggeration whatsoever.

• You don’t like Dr. Laura or “holier-than-thou” women. This baffles me since Dr. Laura is firmly in the man’s camp, pushing for more consideration of the H by the W. Yet she bothers you…. odd.

no, I don't like "holier than thou" *people*. nothing to do w/ "women"...and yeah, from what I've been told, I might agree with her on THIS issue. I was just speaking in general terms.

Your wife
• Says your emotions are so buried you don’t know what you want
• Complains that you do not communicate
• Flies off the handle when you do communicate

As for that last point, well is her flying off the handle really that mysterious? In light of your issues that I list above, maybe she is just stuffing her anger until you do talk, then she blows up? Can you see how this might be?

honestly, no, I don't understand. If I did, I suppose I probably wouldn't be here.

Now this is strange and contrary to everything above:
• You say she walks on egg shells
• She is overly sensitive yet willing to read Dr. Laura

nope. backwards. *I* am the one that walks on eggshells, to avoid causing her to "fly off the handle".

Do you ever fly off the handle? Or do you just withdraw into your shell?

nope. no handle-flying for me. I'm the one in the shell.

If she is so sensitive, I would think she would resist reading Dr, Laura, like the women on that other board you mention. Dr. Laura is very confrontational with wives.

.
what can I tell ya? we're having a good week. (really!)

I see a lot of things you could do to improve CAC4. I see a lot of justification for your wife’s anger.

I don't, unless you mean that its ok to be angry at someone's "personality". without specific events and circumstances, which I have not given, there is nothing else by which to judge. yes, I am sarcastic to a fault, but I always have been. Sarcasm is a form of humor, but its also one of those things that people either love or hate; no "in between". For those who hate it, comments like I have made don't come across well.

I get the feeling that you do not want to be led or dominated.

yep. probably so. but I have been...and I resent the hell out of it. (so why ain't I the LD one? )

You said “you can't say the wrong thing if you don't say anything.” This is avoidance of blame and guilt.

Its avoidance of *conflict*

I am also not willing to accept your statement that you “can't seem to speak-a-de language. no comprendo. whatever attempts I make seem to turn out badly.” Think about this and ask yourself if it is really that difficult to understand your wife’s need for heart-to-heart communication and whether you are giving that. Then ask yourself what you have been doing to dodge that responsibility and why you do that. What does all of this have to do with your mother?

I dont' think it has anything to do with my mother.
I don't think you quite understand the history and the specifics behind my statements. There have been times in the past when I have "revealed" my feelings on some very difficult subjects, and she has taken those feelings and used them as a weapon against me. It would take a "book" to explain the whole thing in detail. But let me just say, this ain't just me makin' sh!t up, here. At the time of the worst occurance, she was seeing a C regularly. She told the C HER side of this story, and the C went ballistic over what an awful thing she had done to ME! (imagine if she had heard MY side of the story?!). C was able to get through to W what an awful thing this was, etc, etc, and when W got it, she was horrified, extremely appologetic and so forth...but you can't just put that genie back in the bottle.