I’m going to entertain your questions here and try to make sense of this. From just your comments on this thread I see a lot of stuff:
• You say your attempts to communicate turn out badly – you just can’t help yourself and this is just guy stuff • To my comment “You are stuck and she controls the cards” you say “um...yeah. isn't that what marriage is all about?” This sounds sarcastic, passive aggressive and victim-like to me. • You say “Suck it up and deal with it. Others have gone far longer in far worse situations.” More victim or martyr thinking. • You do not want to leave the marriage and do not know why you must reach critical mass before the relationship can improve. And more here… • You say you can’t afford D. You can’t divorce responsibility. This sounds like rationalization on why you cannot D. Could be an avoidance tactic? • You don’t like Dr. Laura or “holier-than-thou” women. This baffles me since Dr. Laura is firmly in the man’s camp, pushing for more consideration of the H by the W. Yet she bothers you…. odd.
All of the above have an element of low self esteem, victim mentality or fatalism to it. They all seem to sound like you are trying to avoid responsibility in a passive aggressive and very sarcastic way.
Your wife • Says your emotions are so buried you don’t know what you want • Complains that you do not communicate • Flies off the handle when you do communicate
As for that last point, well is her flying off the handle really that mysterious? In light of your issues that I list above, maybe she is just stuffing her anger until you do talk, then she blows up? Can you see how this might be?
Now this is strange and contrary to everything above: • You say she walks on egg shells • She is overly sensitive yet willing to read Dr. Laura
If she is the one who flies off the handle, why is she the one walking on eggshells? I would think you would be walking on eggshells. Care to elaborate? Do you ever fly off the handle? Or do you just withdraw into your shell?
If she is so sensitive, I would think she would resist reading Dr, Laura, like the women on that other board you mention. Dr. Laura is very confrontational with wives.
I see a lot of things you could do to improve CAC4. I see a lot of justification for your wife’s anger. I do not fault you for this though, because there is a reason why you are this way. But it is still your problem to resolve.
I get the feeling that you do not want to be led or dominated. I say this because of your passive aggression and irritation with a personality like Dr. Laura’s. But I also think you do not want to lead. You said “you can't say the wrong thing if you don't say anything.” This is avoidance of blame and guilt. Where did this come from? You put your wife in a tough spot if you will not follow but are also not willing to lead. That would drive anyone crazy.
Yet when she blows up, you seem to deny any responsibility for her state of frustration and paint her as talking out of both sides of her mouth. I think it is you who is avoiding your own issues, stonewalling your wife, then blaming her for shutting down. Her reactions seem understandable to me.
I am also not willing to accept your statement that you “can't seem to speak-a-de language. no comprendo. whatever attempts I make seem to turn out badly.” Think about this and ask yourself if it is really that difficult to understand your wife’s need for heart-to-heart communication and whether you are giving that. Then ask yourself what you have been doing to dodge that responsibility and why you do that. What does all of this have to do with your mother?
As for the idea of love avoider/pursuer, pick up a copy of “Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love” by Pia Mellody.
