Cobra, what is the chance that he expects to have the same gestures he wants thanks for recriprocated?
It might be pretty good. He is obviously angry and resentful, which means in part that he feels short changed, for whatever reason. Whether that is true or not is another matter, but he feels it. What Haphazard is angry about is that she feels she is the one who is short changed, that she does more than her share but he is still upset. They are getting locked into an entitlement cycle.
His problem seems to be that even when he gets what he wants, he is so trained in “not wanting to want” and low self esteem that he has a hard time accepting her help and then getting past his resentment. I see this same dynamic in my wife. For her to accept what she really wants means to let go of her anger and drop her defenses. If she does that, then she loses the only means she has ever known to maintain control – imposing intimidation and fear over others helps to maintain control. Losing this control means life becomes uncertain and dangerous – who knows what could happen? It is a very hard thing to do.
This is where Blackfoot’s advice can come into play – about being the strong, calm leader. But it is difficult for me to model this when I am not getting my needs met. I get angry too. If my wife and I can hold to this idea of mutually serving each other to get back what we each want, I think some of the resentment can diminish, we can hold onto ourselves better, and put forth that calm, strong role model, at least that is my plan for now.
