I had some other thoughts I wanted to mention, but this dang job just gets in the way… If the test is anywhere correct in identifying your attachment style as dismissive, then you should be an emotional avoider. The way I see it, this means your wife MUST be the pursuer. I may be wrong, but I don’t see how two avoiders could ever get together. As soon as a major intimacy issue arises, I would think two avoiders would rather walk away than face the issues. So they would never get past the dating phase. That’s why I think your wife may be the pursuer.
You say she has outbursts when you try to communicate. Maybe she is wanting to hear something from you in her language, but doesn’t hear it, so she gets angry. The question is what does she want/need to hear from you and is this why she gets mad? I get the impression you do not really know the answer either. Have you talked to her about this?
Also, since I assume she is the one pursuing you, Dr. Laura would not work for you. I suspect your wife already feels like she tries too hard and asking her to accommodate you even more will not go over well. Does she comment about this?
Lostgirl,
I don’t know that I can answer your question, but I do think the attachment style varies with relationship. I could find someone to whom I may feel securely attached because of the different mix between us. If she had a natural inclination to be supportive in the way I want, I may take the test and never have any thoughts that would hint of anxiety, KWIM? I’ve got nothing to back this up other than my own past experience.
I do think my marriage can become more secure for both my wife and I. We need to become secure enough in ourselves to then give more support to the other without feeling that we are giving up power or control, or getting resentful over it. But I think it can be done. Knowing that she is capable of giving that support (and her knowing that I can give her support) removes a major hurdle for us. I think she has long held the assumption that I am not capable of compassion. I think she is now seeing glints that I can give her what she wants, if I choose to. She has to figure out what she needs to do on her end to bring this out in me (and vice versa).
