I scored in the same place Lil. I did think about whether all of it is me though. Some of the questions such as "I feel I can talk to my partner about anything" really depend on the partner don't they? I mean I could talk to ex-BF about anything, and I have good relationships with others where I can talk about anything, but with H I've always felt like he doesn't want to hear it. If I start a conversation about something "deep" he shuts it down, either with monosyllabic answers or by pleading tiredness/stress/busy right now or whatever. Example, the other morning I was helping the kids with their homework. S7's homework had a number of short passages which they were supposed to decide if they were fact or fiction. I said to H that I thought it was too difficult for a seven year old to be making that kind of judgement and at this age they should be just teaching them facts as facts and leaving the intellectual relatavism until they were 11 or 12 (maybe older). Even though we had already been chatting about this and that H immediately groaned and said he'd only just woken up and hadn't even had coffee yet and hear I was badgering him with difficult conversations. Huh?
So no I can't talk to my partner about anything - but that does not mean that I am not the kind of person who would talk to their partner about anything.
Cobra said: So while I cannot control my emotional reaction (or at least only part of it), my wife can help to control the situations that create that reaction.
Cobra, I'm afraid I have to agree with Corri. This is manipulation pure and simple. It is exactly what my H has said to me, and it is a tactic on his part to avoid hearing me. If I want to say something I am shut down by his rage reaction and he says it is my responsibility not to make him mad.
I think what you should do is say "That makes me feel really angry". Walk away, cool off, think hard about why it makes you angry and come back in 10 mins and pick the convo back up.
Anything else is simply scare tactics to make her shut up. Yes it is possible that she is doing things on purpose or thoughtlessly to wind you up. My H has accused me of that too. In no way would I deliberately say things or do things that are designed to make him angry. It appears to me that he cannot accept any responsibility himself and if he gets mad it is automatically my fault. Why he gets angry at times remains a complete mystery to me. The only consistency I get is that he cannot hear anything contradictory to his own POV. Much anger is a result of feeling attacked. Why do you feel attacked? Is she really attacking you or just stating a viewpoint which she has a right to?
I agree with you that you have to move your partner out of the comfort zone. It seems to me that I have now come to a place where I am prepared to leave this R if necessary, and I guess he can feel that.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Now. If someone violates my trust, and I still have to be in a relationship with them... I bet my whole score would alter radically.
That's probably very accurate. I scored anxious like Lil and Fran. I had difficulty with the questions because I kept thinking, well, this is not really me but I probably need to answer the question as it pertains to the R that I have right now with my H, not how I would be if I were in a different (i.e. better) R. So, I felt like some of the answers weren't really 'me' but were still indicicative of the R I am currently in.
Hey, I bet nobody here knew I was anxious huh? I also scored low avoidance.....could that also be considered confrontational?!
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Wow that fits my wife to a T. It couldn't be me, everyone else was lying etc..
I have had a pretty tough childhood 3 step dads and all that go with it. Pretty much raised myself and my sister. I am a ultra caring/rescuing type and I have ADD which probabaly doesnt help that.
I knew her family issues long before I married her, she just had low esteem etc. The effects really amplified once my daughter was born. She was jelous of her own daughter and just wasn't there for her. She made sure she had all the "in" baby clothes but wasn't really connected with either of our children.
She isnt the I am king type she is more the i am the victim type.
The scores are all coming in as I would expect them to, based on what little I know of everyone on this board. Only MrsConfused stated on her thread that she score “secure.” I find that result hard to believe based on her thread. I am sure the scoring was accurate, but as Corri, Haphazard and Heather mention, the answers can be totally different in regard to your spouse and anyone else in your life. Even your closest, most intimate friend or relation cannot give the same score as with your spouse, if you answer truly. You MUST know yourself.
So what does this all mean? Haphazard and Corri feel that my proposal sounds like manipulation. Of course it is! But for what purpose and in response to what other alternative? Let me ask everyone again – using any other method you know of, show me the results. Why are there so many people on this board, for years no less, who are stuck and have little more to show than the day they signed up? Show me something that works.
Haphazard, you said ”Much anger is a result of feeling attacked. Why do you feel attacked? Is she really attacking you or just stating a viewpoint which she has a right to?” The bottom line as I think of myself and the attachment theory is that I want to feel connected and not abandoned. My W expressing her different POV does not bother me as much as when she completely shuts down my POV and says she will do something her own way. Her statement sounds like an ultimatum, a power play, it lacks any consideration of my desires or respect for my opinion. What I am looking for is a compromise of some sort, to not be excluded. This is a FOO issues within me and one which will be a part of me the rest of my life.
I cannot seethe day that I will be comfortable feeling excluded from important decisions or having those I care about do their own thing without me. The “attack” is not the issue. So when I say my wife has the power to stop the cycle by providing me with validation, this is what I mean. Yes, it is manipulation of sort, but your fast approaching decision to leave the marriage is no less a form of manipulation.
Why can’t you just accept your H as he is, stop trying to change him and decide to be happy in your marriage? Because you can’t, plain and simple. It is not you. He must change and you must change. Is it nobler to say you never overtly manipulated him as you split up the household, or is it better to say you have learned to stay together by soothe his dysfunctional fears while he soothes yours? As so many others have asked, do you want to be right or be married?
Adult attachment disorder is nothing more than the consequence of the severe wounding we experience in our past. It is a consequence of us doing what we had to do to survive. If you can look at it in this way, then the idea of compassion discussed by Stosny starts to make a lot of sense.
You also say ”In no way would I deliberately say things or do things that are designed to make him angry. It appears to me that he cannot accept any responsibility himself and if he gets mad it is automatically my fault. Why he gets angry at times remains a complete mystery to me.” Is this true? How do you know you are not hurting him? You know him SO well you can state on this board EXACTLY what you can do to tick him off. And yet you go ahead and say it. Why? Don’t you know that you really are deliberately hurting him, then justifying your words by blaming it on his issues? This all can get very twisted and interwoven (which is why you must be honest in answering the test only regarding your spouse).
Ask yourself exactly what it is he is reacting to. Take the test as if you were him, to best guess where he falls, or better yet, have him take the test. Then try to understand what it is in his FOO that makes him have that type of attachment style. If you can address his fears directly (or discuss it with him), I think you might see a difference in his response. Whether you think of that as manipulation or not is your business.
So now you have the advantage of getting a peek inside the defensive shell that both you and your wife have created. That is a major accomplishment, believe it or not. It can take couples years to see the truth of their fears. Start to learn more about this and discuss it with your wife.
Remember, what you are looking for is the reason for your FEARS. Reasons for anger, resentment, jealousy, etc., are NOT the core issue you are looking for. Those are all reactions to fear. Focusing on them will get you locked into a circle to throwing blame back and forth. Only confronting the true underlying fear will allow you to truly make progress. The only way to do this is to know yourself.
Another thought to run past everyone…. Think about traumatized kids, like adopted or foster children. These kids often have severe social dysfunction, they can be angry, ready to fight if you look at them the wrong way, are extremely insecure and sensitive to anything said about them, you know what I’m talking about… Adult attachment theory is an offshoot from reactive attachment theory for these types of traumatized kids.
Treatment for these kids involves setting hard boundaries but also giving tons of empathy and compassion. They have been traumatized so telling them to straighten up or face the consequences will not work. They have already had to deal with consequences all their short lives and know nothing else. All they know is to fight to survive.
I am trying to see my wife and myself in this same light. We have both suffered our own trauma. Maybe not so severe, just bad enough to create our relationship problems but not so bad as to act out with other people, like friends and family. Breaking the anger feedback cycle is critical. Learning to give and take, sacrifice for the other, being compassionate to each other’s needs is the correct recipe, IMO. But his can become a one way street.
Remember, we are dysfunctional. One way service sets up resentment. To prevent this, I think a sense a fair play needs to be established. That is why I told my wife to give me comfort and I will give her comfort. If she thinks of my needs, I will think of hers. If she stops, I will stop. It is only fair.
I will always get upset if I feel my issues rise up. Over time I believe I can greatly reduce the anxiety, but it will be much easier if I feel supported and validated from my wife than if I do not. I can feel more connected to her and return that support. Like adopted and foster kids, over time the negative reactions can be crowded out with the positive support. For right now, it can feel like is almost like play acting, but if that is what I want and need, then I say do what works.
Once our reactions to these abandonment fears are settled, then I think the longer term work of differentiation, IMAGO, Harley, and all that good stuff can take hold. Right now I am stepping back to address the more basic issues that were pushed aside in order to find that special marriage cure. Like Corri says, you don’t know what you don’t know until you know it.
I also scored low avoidance.....could that also be considered confrontational?! 