Another thought to run past everyone…. Think about traumatized kids, like adopted or foster children. These kids often have severe social dysfunction, they can be angry, ready to fight if you look at them the wrong way, are extremely insecure and sensitive to anything said about them, you know what I’m talking about… Adult attachment theory is an offshoot from reactive attachment theory for these types of traumatized kids.
Treatment for these kids involves setting hard boundaries but also giving tons of empathy and compassion. They have been traumatized so telling them to straighten up or face the consequences will not work. They have already had to deal with consequences all their short lives and know nothing else. All they know is to fight to survive.
I am trying to see my wife and myself in this same light. We have both suffered our own trauma. Maybe not so severe, just bad enough to create our relationship problems but not so bad as to act out with other people, like friends and family. Breaking the anger feedback cycle is critical. Learning to give and take, sacrifice for the other, being compassionate to each other’s needs is the correct recipe, IMO. But his can become a one way street.
Remember, we are dysfunctional. One way service sets up resentment. To prevent this, I think a sense a fair play needs to be established. That is why I told my wife to give me comfort and I will give her comfort. If she thinks of my needs, I will think of hers. If she stops, I will stop. It is only fair.
I will always get upset if I feel my issues rise up. Over time I believe I can greatly reduce the anxiety, but it will be much easier if I feel supported and validated from my wife than if I do not. I can feel more connected to her and return that support. Like adopted and foster kids, over time the negative reactions can be crowded out with the positive support. For right now, it can feel like is almost like play acting, but if that is what I want and need, then I say do what works.
Once our reactions to these abandonment fears are settled, then I think the longer term work of differentiation, IMAGO, Harley, and all that good stuff can take hold. Right now I am stepping back to address the more basic issues that were pushed aside in order to find that special marriage cure. Like Corri says, you don’t know what you don’t know until you know it.
