The scores are all coming in as I would expect them to, based on what little I know of everyone on this board. Only MrsConfused stated on her thread that she score “secure.” I find that result hard to believe based on her thread. I am sure the scoring was accurate, but as Corri, Haphazard and Heather mention, the answers can be totally different in regard to your spouse and anyone else in your life. Even your closest, most intimate friend or relation cannot give the same score as with your spouse, if you answer truly. You MUST know yourself.
So what does this all mean? Haphazard and Corri feel that my proposal sounds like manipulation. Of course it is! But for what purpose and in response to what other alternative? Let me ask everyone again – using any other method you know of, show me the results. Why are there so many people on this board, for years no less, who are stuck and have little more to show than the day they signed up? Show me something that works.
Haphazard, you said ”Much anger is a result of feeling attacked. Why do you feel attacked? Is she really attacking you or just stating a viewpoint which she has a right to?” The bottom line as I think of myself and the attachment theory is that I want to feel connected and not abandoned. My W expressing her different POV does not bother me as much as when she completely shuts down my POV and says she will do something her own way. Her statement sounds like an ultimatum, a power play, it lacks any consideration of my desires or respect for my opinion. What I am looking for is a compromise of some sort, to not be excluded. This is a FOO issues within me and one which will be a part of me the rest of my life.
I cannot seethe day that I will be comfortable feeling excluded from important decisions or having those I care about do their own thing without me. The “attack” is not the issue. So when I say my wife has the power to stop the cycle by providing me with validation, this is what I mean. Yes, it is manipulation of sort, but your fast approaching decision to leave the marriage is no less a form of manipulation.
Why can’t you just accept your H as he is, stop trying to change him and decide to be happy in your marriage? Because you can’t, plain and simple. It is not you. He must change and you must change. Is it nobler to say you never overtly manipulated him as you split up the household, or is it better to say you have learned to stay together by soothe his dysfunctional fears while he soothes yours? As so many others have asked, do you want to be right or be married?
Adult attachment disorder is nothing more than the consequence of the severe wounding we experience in our past. It is a consequence of us doing what we had to do to survive. If you can look at it in this way, then the idea of compassion discussed by Stosny starts to make a lot of sense.
You also say ”In no way would I deliberately say things or do things that are designed to make him angry. It appears to me that he cannot accept any responsibility himself and if he gets mad it is automatically my fault. Why he gets angry at times remains a complete mystery to me.” Is this true? How do you know you are not hurting him? You know him SO well you can state on this board EXACTLY what you can do to tick him off. And yet you go ahead and say it. Why? Don’t you know that you really are deliberately hurting him, then justifying your words by blaming it on his issues? This all can get very twisted and interwoven (which is why you must be honest in answering the test only regarding your spouse).
Ask yourself exactly what it is he is reacting to. Take the test as if you were him, to best guess where he falls, or better yet, have him take the test. Then try to understand what it is in his FOO that makes him have that type of attachment style. If you can address his fears directly (or discuss it with him), I think you might see a difference in his response. Whether you think of that as manipulation or not is your business.
