I scored in the same place Lil. I did think about whether all of it is me though. Some of the questions such as "I feel I can talk to my partner about anything" really depend on the partner don't they? I mean I could talk to ex-BF about anything, and I have good relationships with others where I can talk about anything, but with H I've always felt like he doesn't want to hear it. If I start a conversation about something "deep" he shuts it down, either with monosyllabic answers or by pleading tiredness/stress/busy right now or whatever. Example, the other morning I was helping the kids with their homework. S7's homework had a number of short passages which they were supposed to decide if they were fact or fiction. I said to H that I thought it was too difficult for a seven year old to be making that kind of judgement and at this age they should be just teaching them facts as facts and leaving the intellectual relatavism until they were 11 or 12 (maybe older). Even though we had already been chatting about this and that H immediately groaned and said he'd only just woken up and hadn't even had coffee yet and hear I was badgering him with difficult conversations. Huh?
So no I can't talk to my partner about anything - but that does not mean that I am not the kind of person who would talk to their partner about anything.
Cobra said: So while I cannot control my emotional reaction (or at least only part of it), my wife can help to control the situations that create that reaction.
Cobra, I'm afraid I have to agree with Corri. This is manipulation pure and simple. It is exactly what my H has said to me, and it is a tactic on his part to avoid hearing me. If I want to say something I am shut down by his rage reaction and he says it is my responsibility not to make him mad.
I think what you should do is say "That makes me feel really angry". Walk away, cool off, think hard about why it makes you angry and come back in 10 mins and pick the convo back up.
Anything else is simply scare tactics to make her shut up. Yes it is possible that she is doing things on purpose or thoughtlessly to wind you up. My H has accused me of that too. In no way would I deliberately say things or do things that are designed to make him angry. It appears to me that he cannot accept any responsibility himself and if he gets mad it is automatically my fault. Why he gets angry at times remains a complete mystery to me. The only consistency I get is that he cannot hear anything contradictory to his own POV. Much anger is a result of feeling attacked. Why do you feel attacked? Is she really attacking you or just stating a viewpoint which she has a right to?
I agree with you that you have to move your partner out of the comfort zone. It seems to me that I have now come to a place where I am prepared to leave this R if necessary, and I guess he can feel that.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
