I understand that we all have a choice in how we decide to react to our emotions and that the goal is to not react in an unhealthy way. But sometimes the anger is too strong and you just say to yourself “To h*ll with it, I don’t care, I’m going to do as I please!” This is the reality. We all do it. How do you address those times when you enter the red zone?
There is nothing I can do to really settle myself when I am in this condition. I can get away, calm down, etc., but what is it that I REALLY want? I want my wife to hear and acknowledge me. I want to feel included and have some sense of control over the situation, even if it is in compromising on a decision. What I do not want is to be shut out.
Besides myself, who has the greatest influence on this? Yep, my wife. If she can hear me, validate me and compromise, then I will IMMEDIATELY feel better. I do not need to go cool off for a few hours. For me, cooling off does nothing. It just delays the issue. I stuff it into my resentment box until it comes up later. Validating me purges the issue entirely. Again, who has the biggest influence on this, besides me? Is that person willing to work together or not, and isn’t this EXACTLY what the healthiest couples do?
So why are we beating ourselves up to reach some ideal healthy condition (which differs for each of us) when the real answer is much simpler? We want to be heard, acknowledged, and have our needs met. If your spouse will do this (and we do it in return), there is peace. If not there is either fighting or bottled up resentment (which eventually leads to fighting anyway).
One more thing just to clarify what I am trying to say. I do not believe this “manipulation” is a good state to be in permanently. I am saying that there is a certain fairness to soothing one another. I can accept the fact that my wife is manipulating me to meet her needs if I know I can get mine met too. That gets a relationship unstuck and opens the door to deeper long term growth.
MrsNop, you asked whether forcing yourself to act a certain way when you feel another is a form of deception. My answer is that it depends. How do you feel if you do so? Deep down do you feel better, knowing that you did the “right” thing (which means you have to truly know yourself) or do you instead feel more resentment because you have accepted the deflection from your spouse (again!) and have to forego your needs? Is this deception or truthful acknowledgement of your needs? If resentment builds, then the defenses just go higher and the chances for resolution fall. What is the purpose? Do people say here what would you rather be, right or married?
