Quote: I have tried to address my anger and resentment, go through my FOO stuff, etc., but in the end, I still feel the same emotions when the same situation arises. Knowing myself means accepting this reality and not trying to act like I am healthy. It is only self deception.
Uhm. I disagree with you here. You may always feel the same emotions to the same triggers, and you may never be able to help that. But you DO have a choice on how you decide to act and respond when those emotions arise. And yes, it is hard and often takes quite some time to change.
Quote: So while I cannot control my emotional reaction (or at least only part of it), my wife can help to control the situations that create that reaction.
I don't think so. She can, sure... but if she has to radically change herself because you can't handle/control your emotions... you are manipulating the situation. I don't think she should do LESS of what she does that triggers you... but I think she can certainly be way more empathetic to the fact that you are having to confront yourself and your emotional behaviors.
Quote: If she is willing to do this in return for me helping her, then it is a major advance, even if it is less than truly healthy.
I see what you are saying. I really do. But if you rely on your partner to get you through it, it is doomed to fail. One would certainly hope for empathy and support, and it DOES make all the difference in the world. But this is your path... your journey. If you want something, you want to BE a certain way... it is your journey, and your prize to attain, with or without the support of others.
However. On the flip side... perhaps if you two came up with a signal, a phrase... to indicate to the other that a situation/emotions have escalated beyond the point you can rationally handle, and you allow yourselves to bow out of the room/exchange until you can get a grip (with the explicit agreement that you will come back to continue the convo/exchange as soon as possible)... and then GIVE that to one another... it can help maintain a certain level of peace and security, yes.
