I agree that inner work is foremost. However, that inner work takes time, and as you say, you cannot see what you cannot see until you see it. Who knows how long it will take before you finally see it (what ever “it” is). In the mean time the relationship, the kids, and you, suffer. For those relationships like mine, a lot of time can be spent in a “stuck” condition. My intention is to find a way to break this cycle and give some soothing and peace while progressing on the longer growth path.
What I see is that being “stuck” is nothing more than holding out in a form of power struggle to get your needs met first. It is the build up leading to the crucible as Schnarch describes, but is it always necessary to make such wrenching changes? Long term, I think the answer is yes. But shorter term, maybe it is not necessary. Maybe getting some comfort and support will help both couples deal better with the crucible.
So many on this board give the advice that if something isn’t working, then why keep pursuing it? Try something else. I say step back and take a look at the big picture we all see painted on this board week after week. How many success stories do we see? Not many. Yet the techniques used are no different than what has been discussed here for years. It seems we are not following our own advice.
Cine,
Yes, my W has read over the attachment article, and has even taken the attachment style test. We both tested out as we had suspected. She seems to be understanding this need in me for validation and support. I have asked her to read Dr. Laura again, but this time from a more empathic male POV. She has agreed to do so (though not done so yet). For the past few weeks, things have gone much better.
She seems to have gotten the message that contentment for both of us comes from giving the other what they need. I am trying to help her more with her school stuff, hold up my end of the daily routines, etc. She is trying to come home earlier from work and spend more time with the kids. She also seems to be trying a new approach in giving me sex whenever I ask for it (as long as the timing is reasonable). She is not using one excuse after the other to avoid sex. So I feel the tension has noticeably lessened. I am less frustrated and I think she feels more supported.
We still disagree on several major issues, but we can set them aside a little easier. I think this way of thinking makes a difference. I also think it shatters the fantasy that a spouse should do things just because they love you so much. I do not believe in that. Over time, the most devoted, loving spouse will get fed up if his/her needs are neglected. Love is maintained by the serving of your spouse’s needs.
