The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

Thanks for the comments Cat. I do appreciate them, and I get what you're saying. As for my job, I think I will quit. I have grown enough in the past couple of years to know when something isn't working for me. I will look for one more suited to my skills and experience, or do something from home.

During the post-bomb sitch, I used to be the only one to initiate ML, until he lied to me again, and then I told him, it was up to him now, and it happens very seldom now (and, unfortunately, I have gone from fairly HD, to ND - I have very little desire for ML now, since he has shown very little interest in it, and he won't talk about it, or see a doctor or seek C. Yet, when I had a problem with it several years ago, he urged me to see a doctor, which I did, and went into C too). He is not a very empathetic person, it seems.

I still initiate discussions about communication, but it doesn't get us anywhere. One has to be very careful when discussing our finances with him, because he gets very defensive, very quickly. Just by the tone that I may use, or a slight look on my face, may be misinterpreted as criticism. In most cases, I do let things slide, and not let it bother me. But, in this instance, where communication is an issue with me, I refuse to let it go. That has been the biggest problem in our M ... I accept him the way he is, and don't expect him to change, but he has no problem telling me (or OW) where my problems lie, and how I can accommodate him, and how I don't understand him. It's time for him to wake up, and realise that it's not just him in the M, but me too, and I am not just here to be a mom to the kids, and fufill his needs, while I feel mine are being completely ignored. But, that's the way it's always been in our M.

I don't allow things to cook inside me anymore (that went out the window when I discovered all those loving emails to his skanky OW, and all the complaints he had against me, most uncalled for, and many made to look worse than they were, for instance, my lack of admiration for all he does. My goodness, when I think of how I always praised his efforts fixing things up at home, his intelligence, what a great dad he is - he never said those things to me). I am perfectly happy with life, but I am also very happy to inform him when I am dissatisfied, and if he chooses to ignore what I am saying, then he chooses the possible consequences .... that is, my leaving the M. I have no problem being on my own. At least, I won't have any expectations from a spouse who is not even going to try. It's been 2 years of piecing our M, and I feel we haven't moved very far forward. It's getting to the point where I just don't care whether he hears me or not. I don't care whether he wants me to trust him or not. I don't care if he is still in contact with OW, or has another OW. 'Whatever', is slowly becoming my attitude. Unfortunately, that will lead to not caring whether he loves me or not, and maybe I don't love him anymore. Maybe he's left it all too late, and I will end up the WAW. I hope not, but that is always a possibility.

I am just venting here (and maybe, that's all I really need to do - just get it all out, and move on), but eventually all this will come out one way or another to him, when/if he doesn't do something to meet me in the middle. I am not a patient person by nature, but I have gone out of my way to be really patient and understanding with my H, despite many painful things he has put me through and things he has said to me, besides the more recent EA (I know, I am not completely innocent in our M, but there have been things that he has done, that many women would not have tolerated, and I just tried to work through it - maybe that has been the problem, I don't know). But, I can take so much, and no more. I think we all have that line. Mine is in sight now, whereas before, it was over the hill and still a ways to go.

I just want some sign that he wants to make the effort to work on our M, and not just take it all for granted. We are just back to the way things always are. He just expects me to trust him despite his history of lying. I must just trust that he will do the right thing, despite his lack of doing so in the past. Dr. Phil says that you can predict a person's future behaviour by their past actions, which means I can have no expectations that anything will change with my H. And, maybe it's time for me to move on. Or, maybe I'm just tired of the trying, and hoping that he will 'get it', and when I have rested, and gotten some space and perspective, I will be refreshed and have the energy to keep trying.

Maybe he's still in the MLC thing. I just don't know anymore. When he told me that he still loved me, and was more affectionate, I had such high hopes, but his actions since then seem to be speaking louder than his words (which are few, anyway).

Ah well!

Here is a link to one of Dr. Phil's show that rang so true for me, and could be part of the problem I have now with my H, so will try and work on that in the next month - http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/108

I particularly liked the following advice:
"If that doesn't come, don't you need to be willing to give that to yourself?" (refering to the guests lack of getting validation from her father - my parents were pretty much like that too, in many ways, and they both died when I was young, and before my M, so I was never able to resolve some of my issues with them, although I never thought of myself as an abused child or anything - BM) asks Dr. Phil, elaborating on how to do just that.

# Sometimes we have to give ourselves what we wish we could get from somebody else. Sometimes we have to be our own best friend.

# You've got to forgive your dad for being who he is. Remember that the only person you control is you.

# Plastic surgery is not the answer. Neither is making amends with her father. What Kami needs to do, says Dr. Phil, is find her "authentic self" — what uniquely defines you from the rest of the world.

# Never in the history of the world has there been another you. Never ever in the history of the world will there ever be another you. Your mission needs to be to find out exactly, precisely who that is. You can't be your own best friend if you don't know who you are.

If you have gotten this far in my rant, then thanks for listening. Possibly, my unhappiness in my job, my frustration with my assignment, and just having no-one to really talk to here (been in this city for 1.5 years, and not made any real friends yet, which is not usual for me, so feeling a little lonely for female companionship), is adding to my negativity. Getting these words onto the screen has already helped a lot. I think I need to tap into my creative side, and go add some more words to my book that I am writing. And, I am starting a painting course in a couple of weeks time, so that will help a lot.