The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

Thanks for the bump, Phoenix!

Just a spot of journalling .....

I am going through a bit of a .... well, I'm not sure what to call it .... uncertain time, maybe.

Firstly, I am not happy with my newish job. I feel out of place there. It's not the type of thing I usually do (it's a sales environment - cashiering and clerical work, and I have always worked as a secretary or administrative assistant - also, it is casual, and I can be called to work the same morning, and the shifts could be any time of day, up to 10pm), but I thought I'd give it a go, but it's just not a good fit for me. My problem is that it pays fairly well, and we do need the extra money. But, I am tired of staying with jobs just for the money (it's like staying in a M just for the children, I guess would be a good analogy) - had to do that a few times in my life, but my last job was so great, that it's making this one seem really awful in comparison. I did decide at the beginning to give it until the end of January, so here I am, and I think my choice is pretty clear. I think I'm going to quit, but it makes me nervous being completely financially dependent on my H again. Quite a quandary!

I would like to start a business from home, and I am studying still (so, will have a better career when I finish), and I am busy writing a book, although one can never count on that making money since it's all dependent on the publishers whether it gets accepted. Still, it's fun to do, and it keeps me sane. All, good things, 'eh.

On the M front, things were moving along nicely, but we've hit a bit of a wall. This particular wall is called communication. My H doesn't seem to get that I need for him to make the effort to communicate with me ... things like our finances, plans and goals, etc. This has been an ongoing problem since the beginning of our M, and I am just tired of it. When I agreed to work on our M again, this was one of the things I asked him to work on, but he is - once again - just doing his own thing, and taking it all for granted. Ugh! Thank goodness, I am in a good place within myself.

It all came to a bit of a head last night. We had an argument because he didn't discuss his changing his benefits at work, and adding a life insurance on me (he gave me the papers and I signed), but it irked me that he just went ahead and did it, without first discussing it with me. During our sitch, I used to have nightmares about him pushing me over a cliff, or his OW shoving me and my kids into a river. I made the mistake of telling him about it, and he now thinks that I think he will try and kill me for the insurance money. I know the nightmares were representative of our M being killed, not me or the children physically. I told him, it's not that ... it's that he didn't talk to me about it first. Agh! He got all defensive, and upset, and shouting that he would never physically hurt me, yadda yadda.

So, I am done trying to get it into his thick skull what my needs are re the communication thing. I have no idea what I am going to do, ultimately, but this cannot continue like this. He's not doing a thing to earn my trust back, so I am backing off, and detaching again. Not sure what else I can do.

So! Last night I slept on the couch. He came into the lounge and told me to sleep in the bed, and he would sleep on the couch and I said, "no, this is my choice, thanks". He got upset, and asked "is he so repulsive to me?" WTF!!!!! Since he dumped his OW, and begged me to stay married to him, he has hardly ever initiated ML with me, and he wonders if I am repulsed by him just because I want some distance!!!! Has he learned nothing in the last 2 years. It's just a manipulative ploy he does sometimes (self deprecating comments like that, or that he wishes he were dead, or other such comments to get me to feel sympathetic, and not do what he doesn't want me to do), and I have learned to recognize it for what it is. I don't fall for those things anymore. If he chooses to believe that, then so be it.

So, the journey continues, and one can never say what each day is going to bring. I am still positive about my life, and my future, whether that includes my H, I don't know. That all depends on him right now. Right at this minute, I just feel like crying, but I won't. There are better things to occupy my time. The road is never really straight, or smooth, is it!?

Sorry for the long saga!