The darkness does not endure!

[Phoenix_spark]

Yes the November E had an article that stated that parents are responsible to teach, but the children have their choices. However if they have taught well, they will return, either here or in the next. Do what you can, then leave it up to higher powers. I'm glad you have a great HT on site, he will hopefully follow up when he is suppose to.

As far a weather we are getting nailed too, extremely cold. I've been thinking of hybernating. I'll make that plan B.

[BeingMe]

The year is almost over, and Christmas is just around the corner. I am not ready, but it's going to be a quiet one, so not much to do, anyway.

It's been quite some time since I posted any updates. My D19 seems to be doing better. She says she has ended it with the older idiot boyfriend, but who knows if that is true. She lives so far away, that she can tell us anything, and we wouldn't know. (I never knew I would ever doubt the word of one of my children!)

On a personal note, I have found a job, and it's going okay. It's not fulltime, but that suits me. The only downside is that it's shift work, so I don't see H and D14 as much as usual. Still, it's good to earning some extra money.

H and I are getting on alright. There's no fireworks, but we have settled into a semblance of our old, comfortable, R. Not sure if that's good or not, but will see how things go. I seldom question anything he does anymore. I don't trust him 100%, but I don't mistrust him 100% either (if that makes any sense). I do trust myself, and that's an awesome feeling. I used to have so many self-doubts, rooted in my low self esteem, lack of motivation, and a feeling of boredom, and no excitement for the future. That has all changed in this journey. I am far more positive, have a more realistic self image, and I am excited about my life. Nothing is perfect, but as long as there is progress, then one can feel optimistic, and hopeful.

Hope y'all are having a wonderful Christmas season, and that the New Year brings you some hope for your sitches.

[Phoenix_spark]

I think I'm pretty much on the same page/script as you. In case I don't get a chance tomorrow, Merry Christmas and a happier new year. Sorry about the low frequency here, I guess I'm just in a little bit of a unsure place right now, trying to firm up my commitment, trying to decide what I am willing to accept. What will I put up with? I find myself looking at other Rs around me and asking myself that question.

The new year comes. Where will it take me?

[BeingMe]

Been working a lot, so haven't been on the bb too often. H has been offered a job which entails travelling away from home during the week, and home on weekends. He has accepted it, but hasn't resigned from his present job yet. He is very unsure about what to do, and I have no input to give him. I am just tired of moving, or wondering about jobs, etc. I just don't want to move again. I like it here on the island, and my D14 is very happy here.

Ugh! I am sure my problems are just too boring for words.


Other than the above .... things are pretty good. Could be better, but some things are just out of my control.

[Phoenix_spark]

Glad to see some things are looking positive. Yes I guess H has to make some decisions. It's a tough call considering you just made a move to be where your at. Hope your having a good new year.

[BeingMe]

So, H turned down the job, after all. However, he may take a contract position in Pennsylvania, of all places. I reckon he has to do, what he thinks is right for him, career-wise.

As for me, I continue with my studies, trying to get fit and healthy, have a good R with D14 and other children (although D19 is apparently engaged to idiot BF33, and I have had to realise that there is nothing we can do, but hope she doesn't follow through and marry him - good lesson in knowing we have no control over anyone, only hope that we have some influence - sigh!).

On a positive note, I am thinking of registering at a women's gym. I have a free week of using it, but I am already impressed with the owner, and the facilities. Tonight I go for my first tae-box class, so it should be interesting to see how fit I am after several weeks of inactivity. While chatting to the owner, it occurred to me, that the only obstacle standing in my way (we were discussing fitness, but this can apply to everything) was myself. All we have to do, is step around ourselves and get on with the job of living our best and most authentic lives.

Tune out the negative thoughts, the put-downs we just love to give ourselves, the insecure messages ('they won't like me' or 'I'm too scared to try something new, because I might fail'). Be your own best friend! That's my goal as I move toward the big 5-0 in September. I will not waste another day on being frightened, insecure, me. I will no longer use stupid excuses to stand in the way of my dreams, hopes, and goals.

I know that I am a good person, I have a purpose on this planet (God put me here for a reason, and I have used fear to stand in the way of my achieving my best life), I have my faults, but I never do anything with malicious intent, I am a good friend, a good mother, and mostly a good wife, I have talents and skills that are of worth to me and my fellow man, and all I need to do is find out how to use them to their best advantage. I am sometimes silly, but that is usually one of my more endearing qualities. Ha! I can be very passionate about some things (like our environment), and idealistic, which can be annoying to some people, but that's their problem. I am sometimes controversial and I don't shy away from awkward debates or discussions.

So! I will no longer care what people think of me or worry about failure. I will do things that I enjoy, follow my heart, laugh a lot, and just try and be present in my life's journey (and not lost in a fog somewhere, and just trying to get by). IOW! I will just be my best self, and let the chips fall where they may.

How about you all listing your good qualities! You know you have them, so tell us about the best you. It's not bragging, it's just telling it like it is. Because we are not all the sum of our bad traits, stupid choices, or emotional upheavals in our lives. We are more than that!

If none of you have a cheerleader in your lives, then be your own. Don't allow yourselves to be the obstacle in your lives.

[soreheart]

How cool is that - yes we all have to be cheerleaders to ourselves!!!

[Phoenix_spark]

Yes the whole let them make their own decisions thing is really tough. I am getting very good now at just saying, "well I guess they will have to be accountable for that". I also find that I am more happy with what I am doing if I am not hung up on solving other's problems.

I'm glad you have found your "groove" in the getting fit/education parts of life. To take this time to improve yourself will definately help you.

[Phoenix_spark]

Can't let this one fall off the front screen.

[BeingMe]

Thanks for the bump, Phoenix!

Just a spot of journalling .....

I am going through a bit of a .... well, I'm not sure what to call it .... uncertain time, maybe.

Firstly, I am not happy with my newish job. I feel out of place there. It's not the type of thing I usually do (it's a sales environment - cashiering and clerical work, and I have always worked as a secretary or administrative assistant - also, it is casual, and I can be called to work the same morning, and the shifts could be any time of day, up to 10pm), but I thought I'd give it a go, but it's just not a good fit for me. My problem is that it pays fairly well, and we do need the extra money. But, I am tired of staying with jobs just for the money (it's like staying in a M just for the children, I guess would be a good analogy) - had to do that a few times in my life, but my last job was so great, that it's making this one seem really awful in comparison. I did decide at the beginning to give it until the end of January, so here I am, and I think my choice is pretty clear. I think I'm going to quit, but it makes me nervous being completely financially dependent on my H again. Quite a quandary!

I would like to start a business from home, and I am studying still (so, will have a better career when I finish), and I am busy writing a book, although one can never count on that making money since it's all dependent on the publishers whether it gets accepted. Still, it's fun to do, and it keeps me sane. All, good things, 'eh.

On the M front, things were moving along nicely, but we've hit a bit of a wall. This particular wall is called communication. My H doesn't seem to get that I need for him to make the effort to communicate with me ... things like our finances, plans and goals, etc. This has been an ongoing problem since the beginning of our M, and I am just tired of it. When I agreed to work on our M again, this was one of the things I asked him to work on, but he is - once again - just doing his own thing, and taking it all for granted. Ugh! Thank goodness, I am in a good place within myself.

It all came to a bit of a head last night. We had an argument because he didn't discuss his changing his benefits at work, and adding a life insurance on me (he gave me the papers and I signed), but it irked me that he just went ahead and did it, without first discussing it with me. During our sitch, I used to have nightmares about him pushing me over a cliff, or his OW shoving me and my kids into a river. I made the mistake of telling him about it, and he now thinks that I think he will try and kill me for the insurance money. I know the nightmares were representative of our M being killed, not me or the children physically. I told him, it's not that ... it's that he didn't talk to me about it first. Agh! He got all defensive, and upset, and shouting that he would never physically hurt me, yadda yadda.

So, I am done trying to get it into his thick skull what my needs are re the communication thing. I have no idea what I am going to do, ultimately, but this cannot continue like this. He's not doing a thing to earn my trust back, so I am backing off, and detaching again. Not sure what else I can do.

So! Last night I slept on the couch. He came into the lounge and told me to sleep in the bed, and he would sleep on the couch and I said, "no, this is my choice, thanks". He got upset, and asked "is he so repulsive to me?" WTF!!!!! Since he dumped his OW, and begged me to stay married to him, he has hardly ever initiated ML with me, and he wonders if I am repulsed by him just because I want some distance!!!! Has he learned nothing in the last 2 years. It's just a manipulative ploy he does sometimes (self deprecating comments like that, or that he wishes he were dead, or other such comments to get me to feel sympathetic, and not do what he doesn't want me to do), and I have learned to recognize it for what it is. I don't fall for those things anymore. If he chooses to believe that, then so be it.

So, the journey continues, and one can never say what each day is going to bring. I am still positive about my life, and my future, whether that includes my H, I don't know. That all depends on him right now. Right at this minute, I just feel like crying, but I won't. There are better things to occupy my time. The road is never really straight, or smooth, is it!?

Sorry for the long saga!