The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

Thanks for your thoughts, Phoenix! I do understand what you are trying to say, and I do try very hard to go with the flow at home. I am very open to seeing a C, and to the honeymoon idea, but it does come mixed in with his possibly working away from home, and this is just not the right time, I feel. I just don't think it will do our D14 any good either, having her dad away all week, and only seeing him on weekends.

I have a H who hides things from me, or he plays things down, to make it sound more palatable to me. I hate this about him, and have tried to get him to give me all the information, good and bad, so that I can make informed decisions about what will influence my life. He just doesn't get it! It makes me feel like a child when he manipulates me, or condescends to me. He doesn't think he's doing anything - or, feels he is protecting me (and, I am an adult, and don't need him to protect me from the truth). But, all he is doing is making me more mistrustful of him. And, again, he doesn't get it! It is so frustrating!

I do think that I will eventually be a WAW! I don't want to be, but I feel at this time, that I am just being conned. He just says and does what he thinks I want, without putting in the effort of discussing, and informing me. I am not angry, or upset, just realistic about what our M and my H is about. I cannot control him, only influence him. I know all this. He must do, what he must do, but I will not be his fool for very much longer.

I do work toward my goals. Everyday, I work on myself, questioning my motives, thinking things through, trying new things, GAL, staying connected to my children, trying to reconnect to my H, and mostly trying to live my life as authentically as possible, despite not always having all the facts from H. It is hard, though, to work toward the goals of our M, when he isn't working with me. I hope C'ing will help, but I won't hold my breath, because he has lied to C's (even the church C), so we will see. I just feel as if he has a hidden agenda, that will become apparent when he is good and ready for me to know. Clues to this is his lack of intimacy (seldom ML, which is unusual for him), unwillingness to communicate concerns, and a general feeling of him just white knuckling it. I could be wrong, but I have been married to this man for more than 20 years, so I know him pretty well.

If the C and honeymoon thing doesn't work, then I am outta here. Can't spend the next 20 years wishing someone will wake up, and end up on my death bed with regrets, and wishing it turned out differently. He is who he is, and only he can make the changes necessary, and it has to come from a willing heart, and a motivation to want to change, and be plugged into the M, and to me. I have done all I can do. This whole journey has made me a better person in many ways, but it has also made me more cynical. He has lied to me too many times, for me not think of that as being an option when he is telling me something. I always want proof now. I don't just take his word for it anymore.

I have learned that it takes more than love to make a M work. Sadly, I learned that lesson the hard way.