The darkness does not endure!

[Phoenix_spark]

I have a "wonderwoman" W too. Although it's nice having someone that will take care of things really well, it usually comes with the no one does it as well. It is then followed by the why can't you guys do it as well as me. Followed by the why aren't you guys even trying. Then it's why are the kids so lazy. Of course it's then, I am so tired of doing it all myself, I don't feel loved by my family, maybe I just need to go off by myself.

News flash. Husband had a clean apartment when you met, could do his own wash, iron his own shirts and fix anything that he set his mind to. Oldest daughter has excellent grades, is gifted and social. By the way she can clean a room when she wants to, can do an outstanding job on the dishes when she wants to and can cook a simple meal if she feels she is needed to. Oldest son can fix computer, work with power tools, do dishes and babysit siblings. Do you see a trend?

Some times, all though we can do it better, can do it faster and won't have to redo it, perhaps it's time to let others have the growth and experience. Kids want to learn, husbands want to show love through service. If you can't accept their gifts of love and service, will they ever feel accepted by you? Will they ever feel good enough? They will feel appathetic to you (self protect mode) and you will feel abandoned and not loved.

There's a focal point there and only you can fix it. I have tried to help my W understand that over the years, but she doesn't get it. W will continue to slave away and our only course is to let her do it. She will be happy (temporarily) with the job just finished, but never completely happy with her lot in life. Do it together, do it with love. They will learn and you'll have happiness doing it together. Eventually you will be able to let them serve you with confidence. You will feel loved.

So there is my rant for the night.

[Phoenix_spark]

Ok, now on a more focused not. I like that your H is taking a more proactive approach. All though it is tough, be open to his change, pray and follow the promptings. Ask for "guidance" and get yourself prepared for it. If he will be apart of it, even better. What is your inner "voice" telling you? Perhaps, since he is now open to action, it's time for a refocus in your life. Get back to basics, get back in tune.

I've got faith in you. You haven't come this far and fought this hard for nothing. Stand up, do the basics and move towards your goal.

[BeingMe]

Thanks for your thoughts, Phoenix! I do understand what you are trying to say, and I do try very hard to go with the flow at home. I am very open to seeing a C, and to the honeymoon idea, but it does come mixed in with his possibly working away from home, and this is just not the right time, I feel. I just don't think it will do our D14 any good either, having her dad away all week, and only seeing him on weekends.

I have a H who hides things from me, or he plays things down, to make it sound more palatable to me. I hate this about him, and have tried to get him to give me all the information, good and bad, so that I can make informed decisions about what will influence my life. He just doesn't get it! It makes me feel like a child when he manipulates me, or condescends to me. He doesn't think he's doing anything - or, feels he is protecting me (and, I am an adult, and don't need him to protect me from the truth). But, all he is doing is making me more mistrustful of him. And, again, he doesn't get it! It is so frustrating!

I do think that I will eventually be a WAW! I don't want to be, but I feel at this time, that I am just being conned. He just says and does what he thinks I want, without putting in the effort of discussing, and informing me. I am not angry, or upset, just realistic about what our M and my H is about. I cannot control him, only influence him. I know all this. He must do, what he must do, but I will not be his fool for very much longer.

I do work toward my goals. Everyday, I work on myself, questioning my motives, thinking things through, trying new things, GAL, staying connected to my children, trying to reconnect to my H, and mostly trying to live my life as authentically as possible, despite not always having all the facts from H. It is hard, though, to work toward the goals of our M, when he isn't working with me. I hope C'ing will help, but I won't hold my breath, because he has lied to C's (even the church C), so we will see. I just feel as if he has a hidden agenda, that will become apparent when he is good and ready for me to know. Clues to this is his lack of intimacy (seldom ML, which is unusual for him), unwillingness to communicate concerns, and a general feeling of him just white knuckling it. I could be wrong, but I have been married to this man for more than 20 years, so I know him pretty well.

If the C and honeymoon thing doesn't work, then I am outta here. Can't spend the next 20 years wishing someone will wake up, and end up on my death bed with regrets, and wishing it turned out differently. He is who he is, and only he can make the changes necessary, and it has to come from a willing heart, and a motivation to want to change, and be plugged into the M, and to me. I have done all I can do. This whole journey has made me a better person in many ways, but it has also made me more cynical. He has lied to me too many times, for me not think of that as being an option when he is telling me something. I always want proof now. I don't just take his word for it anymore.

I have learned that it takes more than love to make a M work. Sadly, I learned that lesson the hard way.

[Phoenix_spark]

Wow that is a tough read to figure out. I wish I had some looking glass to see in and tell you what to do, but I don't. It's been an extremely hard day here physically, so I don't have anything really inspiring to say. Probably like you I wish the B would take the H aside and have a PPI. (stewardship buddy, are you man enough?).

Have a better tomorrow. My thoughts are with you?

[BeingMe]

Thanks Phoenix! Believe me, I confuse myself too. Ha! Having said all the above, I am very cautiously optimistic about our M. I just feel the need to vent my frustrations, and pessimistic feelings sometimes. I am more confused than anything else. I get so many different signals from my H, that I just don't know how to read them, and usually these sorts of signals (in the past) have led to painful discoveries, like the porno thing. Eh! This time, I may be completely wrong. I hope so, anyway.

My H did not get the visa, after all. The customs official felt that the job description given by the company did not fit his job profile from his resume and references (how they can make that call, and not the company paying the salary, I don't know, but there you are). So, one less thing to worry about.

Tomorrow is another day, and I will try and put some positive energy into making it a good one. Hope you have a better one than you had today.

[Phoenix_spark]

Looks like "somebody" at least pulling for your best interest. At least H can't hang that setback on you. Now, let's stay on track and continue the good fight. Wish me luck tonight also, I'll give details tomorrow.

[BeingMe]

How did it go last night, Phoenix?

Yeah, I know he can't blame me for not getting the visa, but I still think he feels as if he can't get a break on the career thing, and adds to his depression. And, you know, he has a great career. He earns a good salary, and has an interesting job. He just can't seem to settle for any length of time. I rather think it comes from way back in his childhood.

As for me .... I feel somewhat depressed, and as if I have run out of steam. I will just take some time to reflect, and read, and sweat some at the gym. I still take note of my goals, and try and realize that I can't do it all at once. Just work at it one day at a time.

I just wish I had a job, or a way of earning enough money to take care of myself and D14, so that I don't feel dependent on H. I resent being financially dependent, but also understand it's my own fault for not finishing my degree, despite the difficulties with having 4 children (twins included), and all the moving. I shouldn't have just given up. Kicking myself now, but I know I could only do as much as I was able to at the time, and will definitely be continuing my studies from now on.

I am not going to walk out just yet. But, I am done with trying to make him feel better. He needs to wake up, before I grow really tired of his lack of interest in the M, or more particularly, in me. I'm tired of being told there is nothing wrong, that I am imagining things, that I have nothing to fear, and I should just trust him. But, he continues to be unplugged, distant, disinterested in ML, unwilling to talk to me at any length about anything. What he says and what he does, is confusing me. I am lonely, and feel as if he is hiding things from me. I know, I sound paranoid. Ugh! I am just so sick of it all!

I hope the weekend goes well, and I am able to get some things done around the house. Will aim for getting my PMS up again.

[Phoenix_spark]

I guess things overall are going rather decent. Day to day interaction continues to improve, but nothing intimate yet. Lately there does seem to be a better outward attitude from W, less self centered. Perhaps since a few things have improved in day to day operations around the house, she is letting the small stuff go by.

I'm continuing to be more focused on my own actions and behaviour, along with perfecting "as if" attitude. Not going to let her problems bring me down. I think that was the way I was when we met, not letting life bring me down.

Just another Friday.

[crushedNJ]

BeingMe - Hi! It's been such a long time since I've stopped by the boards but for some reason I decided to do it today. And I'm glad I did. You were one of the first people I connected with when I entered DBing. You were the ear to listen, the shoulder to cry on, the reason and the wall. I just want to make sure you know that. You are a very strong person (I know you often don't feel like one but just the fact you're still doing what you set out to is the proof) and you influence a lot of people that are looking for hope on this web page. I read your most recent link and I feel for you. Seems like you've been strugling with the decision of wanting to make yourself feel better vs making sure that everyone around you feels better. I think you need to realize once again that you can't make other people happy without affecting your own happiness. I think you have a lot to offer, your husband has been noticing that but you don't feel that it's enough after all the time that passed, the time filled with lies, hurt and deception.
How about you sit him down and tell him how you feels. It seems that you're ready to take responsibility for your life (either with or without him) so the only difference will be - will that happiness be with him at your side or will he turn out to be who you susspect he is and take that as an opportunity to exit. Whichever one happens just know what - you're strong, you survived before, you sure as hell will survive again.

[BeingMe]

Hi CNJ! How are you? I think of you often, and wonder how things are going. Thanks for your encouraging words. Yeah, I have sat H down, and tried to tell him how I feel. But, I have been trying for a couple of years now since the bomb, and I am getting to the point now where I am just tired of telling him how I feel, and he pretty much ignores it. So! I am in a bit of a quandary right now.

I know I am strong, and I am happy within myself, and I certainly can be content by myself. I would prefer to be with H, but I won't compromise my health and happiness for much longer, just to stay married.

Anyway, great to hear from you, and hope you catch us up in what is happening in your life.