The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

Journalling ...

So, H came up with a plan for how we can work on my trust issues. Firstly, go back to counselling, and secondly, go on our honeymoon next year (we couldn't afford one when we got married). Now, we just have to work out which C, when, etc. I will try and make an appointment for this week. Then, we have to decide where we'd like to go on honeymoon. My preference is Ireland, and he suggested somewhere in South America. Still plenty of time to think about it. I guess it would be nice to spend a relaxing holiday together, just the two of us, and find the romance in our M again.

I have another problem, however, in that he has been offered a job in the USA as a consultant. He will be travelling to and from the USA every week, spending the weekends at home. We have done this before, and it was very stressful for me. However, we only have the one child still at home, so hopefully it won't be as stressful as when we had 4 children still at home, one going through teen extreme. H is going to the border tomorrow to get the visa. If they don't grant him the visa, then all this is moot. But, if he gets the visa, we have to deal with an absent dad/husband during the week, and I am not looking forward to it, plus the difficulty of reconnecting to our M will be that much harder. He says if I don't want him to take the job, he won't, but it is more money, and what he loves to do, so I feel it is unfair to leave that decision totally up to me. So, we are going to play it by ear, and see if he gets the visa tomorrow.

I am just so tired of change. We have moved so many times, he has travelled, changed jobs, and I just want to settle down. I am trying to study, and get my own career off the ground, so it doesn't help when I have to be worrying about his. I know it sounds selfish, but I feel I must do it now, just in case I am going to need to work if he goes stupid on me again. Also, I have no friends here. We've only lived in this city for a year, and I know very few people, which isn't normally a problem for me, since I am perfectly happy with my own company. But, then I usually have my H to chat to when he comes home at night. Him being away all week will not help my being able to trust him.

Aaagggghhh! I am just making myself crazy, so I'm going to try and calm down, and just see what happens. Ultimately, whatever happens, I will be okay. I have worked too hard on myself to quit now, so just take it one day at a time, and see where the road leads.