The darkness does not endure!

[Phoenix_spark]

A lot of good thinking there. Bump.

[BeingMe]

Today, I have been thinking about what makes a good marriage. There are probably many aspects that are personal to each marriage, but there must be some similarities or commonalities that one can use to incorporate into our own marriages. Dr. Phil give the following points, which I think are so pertinent, and should be considered when trying to piece together our marriages:

A Good Marriage

After being happily married for 28 years, Dr. Phil shares some of his thoughts about what makes a marriage work.

# The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved.

# You get what you give. When you give better, you get better.

# If you put your relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be a lose/lose situation.

# Forget whether you're right or wrong. The question is: Is what you're doing working or not working?

# There is no right or wrong way to fix a relationship. Find your own way that works. But recognize when it's not working and be honest when it needs fixing.

# Falling in love is not the same thing as being in love. Embrace the change and know that it takes work.

# You don't fix things by fixing your partner.

# Intimacy is so important because it is when we let someone else enter our private world.

# You don't necessarily solve problems. You learn how to manage them.

# Communicate. Make sure your sentences have verbs. Remember that only 7 percent of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder.

# You teach people how to treat you. You can renegotiate the rules.
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/53

[Phoenix_spark]

I like to see what Dr. Phil has to say some days, he's usually pretty much on the money. Sorry I don't have much to say, I'll fill you in later.

[cat03]

. Remember that only 7 percent of communication is verbal

wow, scary, the zillion of times I thought I was saying the "right" things but my tone of voice and attitude were just HORRIBLE! and then I wonder what had I done wrong! Thanks for posting this list .

[BeingMe]

Something to think about from DailyOM, re self-determination. Too often, we hand over our power to others, not living our lives with our own truth, and this can lead to anxiety and fear. I know that we need to make compromises, but at least let it be ones that we can live with, not those that have been made for us. Unless you believe in reincarnation, then this life is it - we must make our own decisions about our lives. This is something that I have to constantly be re-learning. I relied way too much on my H for family decisions, and the choices that affected my life, and our children's lives. Not that I'm a wimp, but it just seemed the easier route. Anyway, that's my thought for the day.

October 19, 2006

Using Your Power
Self-Determination

Our lives are defined by the decisions we make each day. When we choose one
option over another, whether we are selecting a restaurant or considering a
cross-country move, we shape our lives. The decision-making process can be
empowering, allowing us to enjoy the benefits of self-determination. Yet it can
also be a source of anxiety because decisions force us to face the possibility
of dissatisfaction and inner conflict. As a result, many of us opt to avoid
making decisions by allowing others to make them for us. We consequently turn
our power over to spouses, relatives, friends, and colleagues, granting them the
stewardship of our lives that is ours by right. Though the decisions we must
make are often difficult, we grow more self-sufficient and secure each time we
trust ourselves enough to choose.

Ultimately, only you can know how the options before you will impact your daily
life and your long-term well-being. Within you lies the power to competently
weigh the advantages and disadvantages of each selection. Even if you feel
incapable of making a decision, your inner wisdom and your intuitive mind will
give you sound counsel if you have faith in yourself. Try to come to your own
conclusions before seeking the guidance of others, and even then, treat their
suggestions as supplementary information rather than votes to be tallied. Before
making your choice, release your fear of wrong decisions. Perceived mistakes can
lead you down wonderful and unexpected paths that expose you to life-changing
insights. If you can let go of the notion that certain choices are utterly right
while others are entirely wrong, you will be less tempted to invite others to
take the reigns of your destiny.

When your choices are your own, you will be more likely to accept and be
satisfied with the outcome of those choices. Your decisions will be a pure
reflection of your desires, your creativity, your awareness, and your power.
Since you understand that you must live with and take responsibility for your
decisions, you will likely exercise great care when coming to conclusions. As
you learn to make informed and autonomous choices, you will gain the freedom to
consciously direct the flow of your life without interference.

[cat03]

When your choices are your own, you will be more likely to accept and be satisfied with the outcome of those choices. Your decisions will be a pure reflection of your desires, your creativity, your awareness, and your power.

I took this power/freedom from my H, in my efford to show him a "better" way to do things, with the idea that he didnt' research enough and that I better do it myself so he won't screw up, and the little decisions he'd made I sencond guess each time or told him there was a better way to do it.

He told me (a while after he came back) that he wanted to live without someone telling him what to do or how to feel, if it didnt' agree w/me I'd fight it because I thought my way was always best

So, I have to remember that I should excercize my right to remain silent more often.

[BeingMe]

So! In essence, this is a lesson for your H to learn, Cat. You couldn't have taken his power away, unless he was willing to give it away. He got lazy, lacked trust in himself, much like I did. Which doesn't excuse you or my H, but I doubt if you were doing it out of malice.

I must say that, this whole process of working on one's M, and DB'ing, seems to morph itself into self-discovery, digging deep into oneself, and finding the true person inside. Who woulda thunk!

[Phoenix_spark]

I definately think you girls are on to something. Who would have thunk?

[twist_of_fate]

LoL Phoenix! I've been a blockhead, so thus the new face, need to fool the H in case he comes back again to read my posts.

It's true, he was happy letting me do everything, and it became a parent/child relationship, and yes BeinMe, it was not malice but an efford to "help" and find "the best"way to do something.

This is a journey to self discovery, it even helps me to be a better mother to my son, I realize that my little man will carry so much of his childhood and of how I treat him into adulthood, he'll one day be someone's H, so I want him to be a confident person, encourage his good actions (he always wants to help out even if I rather do things on my own, be protective, etc)

[BeingMe]

Journalling ...

So, H came up with a plan for how we can work on my trust issues. Firstly, go back to counselling, and secondly, go on our honeymoon next year (we couldn't afford one when we got married). Now, we just have to work out which C, when, etc. I will try and make an appointment for this week. Then, we have to decide where we'd like to go on honeymoon. My preference is Ireland, and he suggested somewhere in South America. Still plenty of time to think about it. I guess it would be nice to spend a relaxing holiday together, just the two of us, and find the romance in our M again.

I have another problem, however, in that he has been offered a job in the USA as a consultant. He will be travelling to and from the USA every week, spending the weekends at home. We have done this before, and it was very stressful for me. However, we only have the one child still at home, so hopefully it won't be as stressful as when we had 4 children still at home, one going through teen extreme. H is going to the border tomorrow to get the visa. If they don't grant him the visa, then all this is moot. But, if he gets the visa, we have to deal with an absent dad/husband during the week, and I am not looking forward to it, plus the difficulty of reconnecting to our M will be that much harder. He says if I don't want him to take the job, he won't, but it is more money, and what he loves to do, so I feel it is unfair to leave that decision totally up to me. So, we are going to play it by ear, and see if he gets the visa tomorrow.

I am just so tired of change. We have moved so many times, he has travelled, changed jobs, and I just want to settle down. I am trying to study, and get my own career off the ground, so it doesn't help when I have to be worrying about his. I know it sounds selfish, but I feel I must do it now, just in case I am going to need to work if he goes stupid on me again. Also, I have no friends here. We've only lived in this city for a year, and I know very few people, which isn't normally a problem for me, since I am perfectly happy with my own company. But, then I usually have my H to chat to when he comes home at night. Him being away all week will not help my being able to trust him.

Aaagggghhh! I am just making myself crazy, so I'm going to try and calm down, and just see what happens. Ultimately, whatever happens, I will be okay. I have worked too hard on myself to quit now, so just take it one day at a time, and see where the road leads.