The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

Wow! My last thread lasted more than a year. I guess it's just one of those slow moving ones, 'eh! So, it's been more than a year, too, that my H and I had decided to reconcile and work on our M. There have been many ups and downs (although, not the rollercoaster ride during the post-bomb era), but we have endured so far. I got the title of my thread from the Lord of the Rings (extended version), the Houses of Healing, and the dialogue is between Eowyn and Faramir:

Eowyn: The city has falled silent. There is no warmth left in the sun.
Faramir: [approaching her] It is the damp of the first spring rain.
Eowyn: [looks up at him]
Faramir: I do not believe this darkness will endure.

I loved the book and the movies. So many life lessons to be gleaned.

Here are my stats again, just to orient those interested:
Me: just turned 49
H: 44
Married: 20 years
4 children: D26 (married with 2 children), Twins 19 (B/G), and D13 (about to turn 14 this week)
Bomb: May 2004
Reconciled: May 2005

I still struggle with trust, and have asked H to come up with a plan that he feels will help me in regaining my trust. He has suggested that we go into C again, and that we start planning our honeymoon (we never had one when we got married 20 years ago ... sad, uh!). It's a start, and we'll see where things go. We are experiencing a lot of stress at the moment because of choices our D19 is making in her life, and we are very worried. But, we are holding onto each other, and trying to support one another as we go through this time. So, for now, things seem to continue moving toward the light, and leaving the darkness of the EA, and the effects of the bomb, behind.

Will post more later - getting late.

Link to old thread. Link

[soreheart]

May I ask - did your H have an affair. My world has just shattered as my life long friend, my lover & my H has just told me that he slept with someone! My insides feel dead, and all i want is for someone to wrap their arms around me and say its going to be alright!

[cat03]

the hurt does fade, the old stuff is slowly rotting away, I have a new life w/my H, even the op stupid face is just a jumble, I dont' think I could recall her real face anymore.

[Phoenix_spark]

Fantastic post, fantastic start to thread. Sounds very positive. Keep up the momentum. All though it's tough, it's good to see you both working together on R/M and life/family challenges.

[Phoenix_spark]

Soreheart, it will if you let it. For your own sanity, you need to, otherwise you will never get past it. I'll try to find your thread later and help where I can.

[BeingMe]

Thanks for all the replies - most appreciated!

Soreheart - the pain does go away to a large extent, and life goes on, despite our unhappiness at the choices our spouses make. My H had an EA, so maybe not as painful as a PA. Just take a deep breath, clear your head, and think things out logically, and dispassionately. One has to, firstly, realise that our spouses are human, and are prone to mistakes, just as we are. We can choose to work with them to overcome these mistakes, or choose to wallow in self-pity, and recriminations. DB'ing is about working on ourselves, GAL, detaching emotionally from the pain, and choosing to love despite what they have done. Only you can say how much you can handle, and when it is time to move on. Anyway, read the posts here, the books, Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy (and there are many other books too), and start a thread where you can vent and ask questions, and journal your life's journey through this stressful time. I hope things work out for you, but know that if they don't as you want them to, then you will still be okay, if you choose to be.

[toughlover]

Soreheart, I've been there and I'm sorry you have to experience that. When I first found out I was crushed beyond belief. But it CAN get better. You've come to a great place for not only info and insight, but great advice and understanding.

Like everyone and BeingMe said, YOU get better when YOU DECIDE to. The folks here will help, I guarantee.

[soreheart]

Hi I am sorry to have hijacked your thread - I did not mean to, the link to my thread is attached to my signature (I can't work out how to give it a name)
And any advice or help on my thread would be well appreciated.
Ash

[BeingMe]

No problem, Soreheart! I will check out your sitch on your thread, then!

[BeingMe]

I'm a stay-at-home mom at the moment, and I have plenty of time to philosophize about life. Today, I was thinking about happiness. What is happiness? How does one acquire happiness? Am I happy with my life? I think this all comes down to the notion of each of us being responsible for our own happiness, and not relying on others making us happy.

Many people in history have said it in various ways, but I think Abe Lincoln said it with the most straight forward honesty, for which he was famous, "most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be". I think this is how one can acquire happiness - you make the choice to be happy. In other words, it's all in the mind. In our heads, we have a constant barrage of messages, and recordings going on - it is continuous. A background message could be, "I am not good enough", but we can change that with, "I have a lot to offer the world". These are just examples (which works in my case, anyway).

So! What is happiness? Is it joy, serenity, feelings of satisfaction, liking oneself, or variations on this? I believe it to be all this and more. I think happiness can be somewhat intangible, but you know it when you got it. One can acquire it by making the choice to be happy, and one can retain it by working at being positive, thoughtful in one's dealings with the world, making time to laugh, but also time to work. I think there is joy sometimes (more sporadic, since I think true joy only comes when you're in the presence of our Heavenly Father), constantly learning to trust ourselves and love ourselves, choosing to be calm most times, using our gifts and talents, and forgiving ourselves for our shortcomings.

Life is such a challenge, but also such an adventure. Even when going through a marital asteroid belt, we can still live in the moment, and be happy with ourselves.

So! Bearing the above in mind, these are my goals to remain happy with my life:

Love unconditionally, including myself
Invest time in my own spirituality
Laugh - there's always a funny side to everything - have fun
Be at peace, and seek out quiet moments
Have a positive attitude, and an adventurous spirit
Encourage my own talents and skills, and grow them
Always seek to learn something new - knowledge is power, after all
Work at being healthy and fit
Listen to others, and that small, still voice, and think before speaking (difficult one for me)
Do not fear!

And, as a Chinese Proverb says, I need to remember to, "be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still". It all takes time, patience, and the will to want to change and remain happy with one's life. I am not at the top, but I have climbed to the first step which is acknowledgment of the need to grow, and change.

Wish you all the best in your life's journeys!