How to become affectionate again when W doesn't...

[toughlover]

Really weird though isn't it? Trying to be a friend to someone you are married to and were at one point. Seems like it shouldn't be this hard.

I'm with you, bro! It IS wierd, and it SEEMS like it shouldn't be this hard, I agree, but I try and imagine it like this: I imagine how I felt years ago when I broke up with a girlfriend who didn't want to end the relationship, but I did. Usually, by the time a young single person actually gets around to ending it, it's been over for a while anyhow.

So I try to imagine what it would have been like for me to decide to emotionally connect with someone I had already broken up with. I remember one girl in particular that I got very close to in college for a couple of months then realized, I didn't want it to progress. She was very happy with me, but I just wanted out. She tried to get back together from time to time, but I just said "No."

I think about that when I think about my sitch, realize my W must feel toward me much like I felt toward that girl back in college. Now, my W and I have a lot more holding us together than that girl and I, and at one point my W and I DID make the commitment to be together for life, so there's more to work with there. But still, it's gotta be tough for her too.

Speaking for myself, I know it's mainly my fault that it's this hard. Our M failed because I quit being her friend, and I quit being her friend because I wasn't always getting what I wanted the way I wanted it, and I responded poorly and immaturely.

We both agree on the point in our R where the seeds of our future failure were sown, both recognize our contributions to it, and have both committed ourselves to, essentially, picking up from that point...because, really, we never truly matured as a couple beyond that point despite our having been together as long as we have, having two kids, etc.

My W's analogy for this is that there is a window between us and all the trouble from years past are layers of paint that have that window stuck shut. A while back she said that the more I'm able to "act as if", the more layers get stripped away, the more the window opens a little, then a little more.

If I start being too negative or putting any pressure on her, she slams the window shut, a fresh coat of paint gets slapped on, and I'm/we're set farther back.