Quote: Choc won't leave, at least right now, because he feels a sense of duty and obligation to his family. That is how he defines himself. I see this as self-centered.... but not in a bad way. This is at the center of Who He Is.
What I do see as the potential underlying problem with BOTH he and Mrs. Choc., is their lack of willingness to be radically honest with one another. It sounds like they are both avoiding the R to get by. This, I could say, is 'selfless.' But I don't necessarily see that this type of selflessness is in the best interest of anyone.
BOTH spouses are being neglected and neglecful. BOTH spouses are being 'selfless.' IMHO, one of them is eventually going to regain their sense of self, and either take things to the mat or leave.
Corri, I think that's all largely true, but I would also add "comfortable" to my list of reasons for not leaving, and who knows, maybe it's part of my wife's reasons too. Don't get me wrong, I take that "for better or for worse" stuff very seriously, and when I tuck my kids into bed at night there are so many times when I get thoughts in my mind of what a divorce would do to them, and it motivates me to stay. But I just feel a little uncomfortable taking the high moral road here, when a lot of my conflict avoidance is just pure complacency. When you add up what my marriage DOES provide for me (a great, moral mother for my kids; a stable home environment for them; companionship for me; homecooked meals; etc.), and what does for my wife (companionship; security; a father in her children's lives; a help around the house), my strong hunch is that we're BOTH just more happy with what we DO have, and unwilling to force the issue on what we DON'T have.
Now, lest I fall into total "moral equivalency" here, I do think that I'm bothered by all of this 50x more than she is (those little lists I made -- hers is mostly complete... mine has a big ol' "LACK OF AFFECTION AND SEX!" on it). But we are both, I'm certain, just avoiding the problem because it's just not that bad around here.
