You are probably right. On smaller issues, I've noticed that when I set a boundary, or just generally just stick up for myself forcefully on something, that my wife tends to respond. Not usually with an actual "I'm sorry", mind you, but by being really nice to me and softening her stance and attitude.
The crying thing was a one-time event, unplanned, at a moment 5 years ago when I had just reached this unbelievable place of sadness about what had become of a once-great and very affectionate relationship. We were laying in bed together, it was probably 2 a.m., and I just lost it. Not something I do all the time, but it prompted some soul-searching and long-overdue frank discussion that led to some dramatic -- albeit TEMPORARY -- changes within my wife.
Quote: I see men and women who are crushed after 15 - 20 years of marriage when their spouse (who hasn't fully participated in the marriage) decide that they are going to move on to greener pastures. I think we tend to think that the spouse who has been the most neglected is the one who will leave - I don't think that's true. It is very often the spouse who has already lived a life of relational self-centeredness who finds it easier to cut the marital ties.
I can see where this would be true.
Quote: Secondly, after a time of doing the right things (you know the drill - patience, kindness, involvement in family/home, being the best husband/wife that you can be on a regular basis - that it's time to let life & routine as our spouse has known it to come to an end. At some point, what you are contributing to the relationship may need to be withheld in the hopes of getting your spouse to notice that things are not going to continue under the status quo any longer.
I tried this, but it didn't work, and after a couple of years just left me feeling sexless AND schmucky, as I withheld love deposits that I knew were important to her. (She is very much a "quality time" and a "words of affirmation" person; I had begun to withhold both, but it brought about no change or even noticeable concern by her).
I think the next few months are going to be interesting. Mrs. Choc. just got a "full tummy tuck", after years of faithful dieting and rigorous exercise (she's a bit of a gym rat) left every part of her looking great except for that last bit of loose skin from her weight loss and loose, really herniated muscles from four childbirths. I have a feeling that she's had some "poor body image" issues that have led to her modesty and lack of sexual initiative, and I have a feeling that once she's all healed up that she may stick her pretty little toes back into the sexual waters. I honestly don't know how I'll respond, as that part of me is pretty dead now, and has been for quite awhile, and I'm not sure that I want to rescousitate it.
