I think we tend to think that the spouse who has been the most neglected is the one who will leave - I don't think that's true. It is very often the spouse who has already lived a life of relational self-centeredness who finds it easier to cut the marital ties.
I think I need to challenge this assertation a bit. It's a little too generalized for my likiing... there are all kinds of reasons for a D, some good, some not so good. I suppose it could be easily labeled as a self-centered act to get out of an M... and our society tends to view self-centeredness as 'selfish.' Like selflessness should be the preferred route.
I agree that there are many different reasons for divorcing. Some are downright mandatory from my viewpoint.
When I am describing self-centeredness in a marriage, I'm abscribing that towards the spouse who refuses to work on things at all. The spouse who will not or cannot see that *they* are contributors to the problem. The spouse who keeps telling the other "you're the one with the problem" without there being any attempt to take some responsibility on their own behalf.
The latest scenario that epitomizes this to me is that I've been reading a man's thread on another forum. He has been dealing with an ongoing SSM. He admits to and has been going to counseling to deal with his issues that have contributed to the problem. He's been trying to get his wife to work with him for almost 3 years (they've been married 6) on this marriage. He puts in 12- 14 hours a day (something they had both agreed upon in order to achieve certain goals), he comes home and does housework, they purchase/do whatever major household project she has ever wanted (the last one was a huge deck and patio in which he was supposed to get a fancy grill - she reneged on the grill once the deck was built), he lost weight and became an tri-athlete and got on a cpap machine (she still wouldn't sleep in the same room with him although his breathing problem had been the original complaint), she controls the finances, and he recently discovered that she had struck back up with a former boyfriend. Now she's the one divorcing him, kicking him out of their house, insisting on full custody and alimony and is hinting that he might get hit with a restraining order for possible violence.
Whew. That was long winded.
When I see spouses making good faith efforts to reconcile the issues in the marriage and who don't receive any (or very little) reciprocity - that spouse who refuses to participate is who I am labeling self-centered.
You don't fall into that category at all, Corri. You've busted your butt for the past 3 or more years. You took responsibility and recognized that there were things you could work on.
The spouse who keeps trying to work it out is (IMO) much more emotionally invested in the marriage. The spouse who is choosing not to participate, not to acknowledge their own culpability aren't as emotionally invested and may find it easier to step outside the marriage and/or file for divorce. But they darn sure aren't making any concerted effort to make the existing marriage better for both spouses.
