Quote: I think we tend to think that the spouse who has been the most neglected is the one who will leave - I don't think that's true. It is very often the spouse who has already lived a life of relational self-centeredness who finds it easier to cut the marital ties.
I think I need to challenge this assertation a bit. It's a little too generalized for my likiing... there are all kinds of reasons for a D, some good, some not so good. I suppose it could be easily labeled as a self-centered act to get out of an M... and our society tends to view self-centeredness as 'selfish.' Like selflessness should be the preferred route.
Selflessness is not always a good thing. We can allow all kinds of crap to happen to us that one should never tolerate in the name of selflessness.... most people who avoid conflict would call themselves selfless.
I think a very solid sense of self -- of one's needs, and a willingness to define, articulate, and defend those needs -- is a critical contribution to the foundation of any successful R. And if one is willing to leave an R in order to honor that sense of self, I guess I don't necessarily see that as selfish. IMHO.
Choc won't leave, at least right now, because he feels a sense of duty and obligation to his family. That is how he defines himself. I see this as self-centered.... but not in a bad way. This is at the center of Who He Is.
What I do see as the potential underlying problem with BOTH he and Mrs. Choc., is their lack of willingness to be radically honest with one another. It sounds like they are both avoiding the R to get by. This, I could say, is 'selfless.' But I don't necessarily see that this type of selflessness is in the best interest of anyone.
BOTH spouses are being neglected and neglecful. BOTH spouses are being 'selfless.' IMHO, one of them is eventually going to regain their sense of self, and either take things to the mat or leave.
