Quote: Yes, absolutely. As long as I saw my wife working at it, and that it was important to her to try and help me be happy, I would work with her for as long as it took. My complaint with the fetching Mrs. Choc. is that she neither works at it, nor even indicates that she even thinks it's important for our marriage to do so.
Choc, I was reflecting on an earlier convo you and I had in regard to telling your spouse about how you deeply you were hurting. I had asked if your wife was aware of how hurt you were. You had said that she had walked by and saw you crying and very emotionally broken and she responded to that initially. But, it was temporary.
I know that seeing some expression of NOP's pain was what started breaking through to me. But our relational dynamics were/are different from yours. NOP's expressing emotional pain was literally a 180 from his normal expressed personality. Since you have described yourself as a romantic and I think you are given toward being more emotionally expressive (and IIRC you are a conflict-avoider), I wonder if your wife wouldn't be more responsive to something of a 180 on your part? An assertive Choc? A Choc who stands up for himself and his needs in his marriage. Not leaning toward obsequiousness? I know you dislike pushing in this way, and if I read it correctly your feelings are hurt that you have to push at all.
I know it would be nice if our spouses responded to our pain in a kind and understanding way, but in long-term relationships I think you can reach a place where the other person's pain (especially if alluded to or outright expressed) can lead to a form of "emotional receptor burnout". To the point that ongoing emotional expressions are responded to with sarcasm and distaste. So, a different approach can sometimes be much more noticeable and effective.
Secondly, after a time of doing the right things (you know the drill - patience, kindness, involvement in family/home, being the best husband/wife that you can be on a regular basis - that it's time to let life & routine as our spouse has known it to come to an end. At some point, what you are contributing to the relationship may need to be withheld in the hopes of getting your spouse to notice that things are not going to continue under the status quo any longer.
Are you going to choose to continue with things as is until ? I read a lot on another forum that deals with divorce and I see men and women who are crushed after 15 - 20 years of marriage when their spouse (who hasn't fully participated in the marriage) decide that they are going to move on to greener pastures. I think we tend to think that the spouse who has been the most neglected is the one who will leave - I don't think that's true. It is very often the spouse who has already lived a life of relational self-centeredness who finds it easier to cut the marital ties.
Off another segue, I understand men hesitating to file (or even rattle the marital cage), because the fact is men get the short end of the stick when it comes to divorce. If I was currently rearing a son, I would push for him to get a prenup before marriage. In a marriage that is rocky and the children were all in school, I would insist that the SAHM get a job as soon as the baby started kindergarten.
In an attempt to tie some of the loose ends together, I think advocating for yourself is a requisite in marriage. Hopefully waiting for our spouse to come to their senses and suddenly start advocating for us (without us having to speak up for ourselves) is a romantisized pipedream. Life just isn't that easy.
