When it comes to sex, both HD and LD seem to be insisting that the only good sex *has* to come from "feelings". The HD wants the LD to feel *desire* and *express* that desire in the way the HD perceives desire. The LD spouses is doing exactly the same thing - "I must *feel* desire before I can express myself sexually." So, if they don't *feel* it, it doesn't occur. The horrible irony of it is that HD and LD are looking at sex the exact same way.
So, once the LD isn't feeling the desire (and you're supposed to feel desire in order to want/have sex), then what are they supposed to do? As long as everyone is waiting for the desire fairy to show up, the sex life is going to come to a halt. And as long as that feeling of desire is the goal - and the LD spouse can't manufacture it, you will get the "that's just the way I am" defense.
This is just the Catch 22 I have been wrestling with (in addition to many other issues). It is where many couples seem to get stuck – that negative feedback loop which only requires validation from your spouse to break it. The answer is so simple yet so difficult to put in place. For me, it first required jumping through all the other power plays until giving each other what they wanted was the only solution left, short of D.
