Quote: But I don't accept the generalization that most men stop being romantic or exhibiting other wooing behavior, nor do I let the once-HD woman off the hook for what she DOES (or doesn't do) in response to these changes, even if they are non-intentional and lacking in any malevolent motives.
I agree with you that it isn't necessarily a result of men becoming less romantic. OTOH, there are women who aren't really touched by romanticism. For those women, romantic gestures aren't going to make the connection that the romantic man is attempting to make.
Also, relationship destruction can be similar to the business world in that a lot of "attaboys" are easily displaced by a single "ah poop" moment. Harley calls them lovebusters. The effect of lovebusters grows over the years, because each subsequent negative occurance isn't perceived as isolated, it has all the emotional baggage from the 52 other times it happened over the last 10 years. So, after a couple of years, when the early infatuation chemicals are burned off, the things you once found cute suddenly become irritating. The relationship heads further into decline.
I think a large number of women's sex drives starts waning after either time elapses and/or children. Without knowing *why*, they start casting about for reasons that they aren't feeling that way toward their husband anymore. That's often where the lists of reasons start. That's not usually malicious, it is uneducated.
"I don't feel desire today. Well, how could I when he snapped at me earlier today? How could he want sex from me when I've been chasing toddlers around all day, etc." So, that becomes the reason dejour. The reality is that *they don't know why and they don't know that they don't know why*.
Quote: Once the LD spouse knows what's important to the HD partner, and how it's killing them, how much continual effort are they willing to make to at least TRY?
That's where the strength or weakness of the relationship comes in mixed in with the strength or weakness of both individuals.
When it comes to sex, both HD and LD seem to be insisting that the only good sex *has* to come from "feelings". The HD wants the LD to feel *desire* and *express* that desire in the way the HD perceives desire. The LD spouses is doing exactly the same thing - "I must *feel* desire before I can express myself sexually." So, if they don't *feel* it, it doesn't occur. The horrible irony of it is that HD and LD are looking at sex the exact same way. (All of this particular train of thought is not including those spouses who experience a strong sex drive but who either choose to expend it somehow else and/or who are dealing with psychological issues that impact their ability to express that desire/sexuality with their spouse.)
So, once the LD isn't feeling the desire (and you're supposed to feel desire in order to want/have sex), then what are they supposed to do? As long as everyone is waiting for the desire fairy to show up, the sex life is going to come to a halt. And as long as that feeling of desire is the goal - and the LD spouse can't manufacture it, you will get the "that's just the way I am" defense.
Well, what if we all agreed that there are different reasons for making love rather than insisting that the only sex life that counts is one where both individuals are experiencing sexual desire at the same level and in the same way?
