I think you folks are so much kinder than me. You work so hard at this. Is it worth it? Do you end up feeling like you manipulated your SO into staying with you or reforming a sexual relationship?
How hard SHOULD we have to work for sex? I always thought the toy was supposed to come with the Happy Meal?
Hey, just stopped by your thread and must admit, it is not one of my many problems.. But it was for a sister in law. She wanted to feel close before she could ml and her husband needed to ml before he could feel close....Mexican stand off. I feel that the woman has it a bit easier here, since ml is an action she can do (fyi, I am a woman) more easily than the abstract "feel close". Of course this assumes the husband is good to her in bed. I have often said yes, though I was not in the mood. BUT, afterwards, well, I have never once wished I'd done laundry instead.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, it tends to be an assumption that we make that the toy comes with the happy meal...but we don't generally get to specify that we get the exact toy we want do we? Sometimes the toy in the happy meal is a complete surprise (at least at other places than McDonald's...and even sometimes there you don't get what you thought you would.)
Not to mention that people don't discuss what their sex life should be like BEFORE we marry, so we can make sure we are both on the same page. I brought this very thing up in a MC of ours. I told our MC & my LDH "if I would have realized that in marrying you I was sentencing myself to a life of celebacy...I wouldn't have married you. Most people marry because they are willing to reserve certain parts of themselves, such as their sexual selves solely for that person they love...it's one of the "perks" of marriage."
I'm going to say something to you...and I don't mean to attack so please know this is just something I'm throwing out there ok? If I remember correctly....you are the LD partner in your M right? Well, so is my H. Your comment "How hard SHOULD we have to work for sex?" makes me feel like....you aren't willing to work to fulfill a need that is important to your H because it's uncomfortable for you. At least...that is how it would come across to my ears should my LDH say that to me. No offense, but it comes across that you'd rather let go of your M than do the work it takes to dig down deep inside and figure this issue out. Sure, it can be difficult and it can be painful to get to the bottom of issues like this....BUT IMPO, until you have tried EVERYTHING within your power to thoroughly investigate this issue and attempt to at the very least compromise with your HD spouse then running away from the M is just simply taking the easy way out...for you. Not saying that's what you intend to do, just answering your question from my POV.
I don't know your sitch as to who is the LD or not. But if you are the LD one AND you are female, please re-read my note to you....I just don't understand how women (and yes, I am a woman) can expect what is effectively forced celebacy onto their husbands and then act betrayed/hurt/mystified/like victims when their husbands stray....what are you thinking is going to happen? I don't know your sitch or whether your H is a "sexual addict", etc. but it is far far easier for a woman with LD to just enjoy the intimacy of ml regardless of your libido, then it is for a man with the same problem. I was clinically depressed with grief after my father died, but I still wanted to feel close to my h, and we ml often without me ever " wanting it" in the purely sexual sesne. That's why they call it Making love, and not "making sex".
I'm sorry if this is N/A to you, or if it IS and it offends, but I wanted to know that at least one "fellow woman" said to you that a a guy does have a right to believe sex will happen.
Every time my brother tried to romance his wife so she could "First, feel close" she'd feel manipulated. IF my brother didn't make any effort of course, she'd refuse since she didn't feel close. As a result, my brother "got to have sex" with his wife, IF and WHEN she felt close to him, for whatever reason totally beyond his control or predictability. They are divorced. He is remarried and much happier.
good luck, and like I said, I only have bits and pieces of your story so If I am off base, I am sorry. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am the HD...... At least compared to my LDH. I would be happy, thrilled, estatic with ANY sex life at all. Even a bad one. I agree the partner who consistently refuses sex shouldn't be surprised when bad things happen. I told my H I was going to have sex again before I die. If I have the opportunity, I'll do it! And he knows it.
I think women have the right to believe sex will happen too!
girl you gotta get yourself a toy, if you know what I mean, and I know you do....and get massages too. The massages are for flippin' human contact!! I don't know if your H touches you at all and just loses it with the actual act, or doesn't even want to touch at all. ...and is he getting help? It is NOT normal without some external cause, like a new baby, long horrible work hours, etc. and if those conditions are permanent, CHANGE your life...but how old is your H? Is he alright physically? Does he say he's attracted to you?
yikes, and although when my H was in residency, we had dry spells...but dang, you're in a desert. Get a toy, order it online if you have to, and buy lots of batteries.....
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I wish there were a test that could be made for LDness. If I ever have to rejoin the dating world, I will try to avoid LD people like the plague. But how do dating people figure this out? Heck, I married my wife because she WAS physical (as well as other great personality features). But lets face it, most of us HD people were deceived by our spouses (not intentionally in most cases). And how do you ever combat the "People change" aurgument that LD people throw right back in your face. The problem is that yes LD people change, but guess what, HD people usually don't.
Viginwife, sorry about that. I must have confused with you with another poster with a similar name. She chose her name because SHE chose to have a basically sexless marriage.
Thanks for clearing that up for me...you are basically then in the same sitch I am.
Let me assure you...toys, while they can be a short-term distraction aren't the solution to this, they don't cut it when you are looking for this type of contact from your spouse, this type of intimacy. I have my own toys....and right now, I can't even look at them anymore, I'm SICK of them!!! So no offense, but that comment kind of rubbed me the wrong way...as if a toy would fill that void. You may not have meant it that way, but it's how it came across to me when I read it.
Going to a spa for a massage every now and then is a good idea, BUT it's still not the contact from the person you LOVE....that intimacy from your spouse that you seek. A massage helps relieve some tension in me, sure...but I can't roll over and ML to the person giving me that massage.
My H (after reading Virgin's story) is much like hers. His T-level is fine...but he has other issues. It does happen that there are men out there who don't initiate sex...however, there are often other issues behind that. My H for instance has an issue with whore/madonna complex...which we are currently trying to work with.
