I have a different interpretation of your H that what you or UD are discussing. This is what I know of your H:
• His FOO is one of pleasing others, conditioned by fear of fights and intimidation from his dad. • He has learned to subordinate his feelings and desires for those of others, you included, especially from the earlier days of your marriage. • His personality lends him to fit in with Marine training and follow orders, all out of a sense of loyalty to the ideal of patriotism, dying for your country, or your “princess” (not meant to be derogatory). • He is also trained to be aggressive, assertive, and take full charge when necessary.
I am wondering if his actions in wanting your daughter to sleep later is a subtle sign of his assertiveness starting to come forth, after years of being the obedient soldier. I believe he has it in him to take full charge and control if necessary, but he is conditioned not to do so by his FOO, and in part by you. But until now, the kids have been small and mothering infants is obviously not his strong suit. It is a no-brainer for him to leave that up to you. But as this kids get older, he will be better able to relate and bond to them. Also, decisions concerning them will be more important since the effects can be more important and long lasting.
My wife did a lot of schooling with the kids when they were small, insisted they attend Montessori to get a good start and set the ground work for their future education. It was a serious issue with her. In hindsight I cannot tell that it makes a hill of beans worth of difference. Are you more or less educated today because of what your parents did for you when you were 5? I know there are studies out there that say so, but a few years down the line and any advantages early schooled kids may have start to fade.
My point is that you H may have been deferring to you over the past few years, but going forward he might start feeling that the stakes are increasing and he MUST take charge. Now what are you doing to help him become the assertive man you claim you so want to have? I believe you said “Yeah, but I will control that confounded alarm clock.” I’m not so sure that remark was entirely joking. Now you say he has given up on the alarm thing. Has he really, or has he decided the stakes are not high enough to press his point – in other words, did he decide it is better to back down to you over something that may be inconsequential than to risk more fighting? He may be compromising his integrity here, and over time he will become resentful. Remember, he is P/A. This is how it is done.
There might be the chance that things get worse as the kids get older. I can see a lot of myself in him. When I came to the realization that I was the one walking on eggshells and it was my own fault for not standing up for myself, then all that pent up resentment and anger came out. Don’t repeat this mistake.
As for UD’s confusion over your H – I think the missing ingredient is that your H has a lot of pride. It is difficult for his to express any weakness, he is a marine after all. He knows he should assert himself (remember his training) but he knows that not doing so is his fault. He wants to stay in the dance with you because you bring him the life, the emotion, sense of involvement and love he never had as a child. If he loses you, he loses his touchstone to life. He just can’t find where to balance it all.
I can understand now why discussing emotions with him is uncomfortable. Doing so is to play on your terms, the feminine playing field. He may have an idealized, fantasy impression that women are to be treated like a princess and the only way to communicate with then is with this emotional level talk. No wonder he would rather go run you a bath. You see, you have set the parameters of your communications to be that of the female. He has no idea that he should be able to speak to you from the parameters of the male. He has let you decide the rules of the game, now he is having trouble finding the way to play. He should just chuck out those rules entirely and say he is going to play by the rules that his is comfortable with, and let you adapt. Do you see what I mean? It’s a can’t see the forest for the trees sort of thing for him.
Now the other part of this is that I think you are aware of these dynamics, but you do not let him play by those other rules. This might be why he feels he cannot win and that you control him. He will let this go on for a while, but when the stacks are serious enough (and there is nothing like children to make a man get serious) then you will see that assertive man come forth. Whether it is right or wrong, due to blinding from his FOO, projection of his issues, or whatever your want to call it, just be sure he doesn’t start to one day target you as the enemy. I know that my W looked like this to me, and I to her.
