Corri--Thanks for the newsy e-mail! I'm hoping to reply later this evening.
Honey...
Quote: But, in the interest of presenting the whole picture to my bb friends, I asked him a question about the alarm clock the other day and he replied, Oh we resolved that. I don't care about waking her up anymore.
Man, can I tell you that this makes me really angry? From this side of the screen, it actually seems like he's choosing to pick battles with you... I'm just wondering why? Something sounds weird about this.
The fact that you do this more than once in a very short time period tells me something, and it's big. His P/A behaviors aren't subconsciously triggered because of fear--otherwise, he'd either resolve the issue or not resolve the issue but I doubt seriously it would surface again so soon.
Sorry, I'm just sitting here with an incredulous expression on my face, trying to imagine having a groundhog day disagreement on the same subject? It's just beyond me.
So getting back to what I was saying, I see him deliberately baiting you with P/A behavior. Honey, what does he get out of this? I honestly don't know, which is why I'm asking.
From what I've encountered and other friends have experienced, P/A people are just usually fearful in sharing emotions with other people. They've learned that others shame them when they do (FOO stuff), so they emote very indirectly and most ineffectively. So when the recipient of the bait triggers the convo into getting addressed (because they simply do not have the skills in initiating dialogues where feelings are expressed), they kinda sorta get what they want... in that the dance is fulfilled. They emote sideways and all around the block and typically, if the other dance parter is aware of what the purpose is, they can get to some resolution.
But your H doesn't appear to be appeased by your entry into the dance. He initiates again and again, and forces you to dance with him without moving beyond the first step? That step would be keeping things about the alarm clock, and not the fact that he feels whatever he feels about this.
I'm just plain old stumped at *why* he would choose this dance if not to emote sideways? I mean in the kazillion conversations I've had with Mr. Wonderful, he's always managed to squeak out what he was really feeling... "Well, I NEVER wanted to go there on vacation. YOU DID. That's why I gave in, and that's why I'm mad at you now." My dad still does that crap. Rather than just come right out and say he has an opinion, he picks a weird fight with my mom and manages to get there. In the end, he also reveals some revelation like, "I never said I wanted to eat Chinese tonight. I wanted pizza. But as always, you get your way." Your H just doesn't get that far.
Why not?
Is he just stuck on the idea that "No person is gonna control me. And if HP thinks she has carte blanche admission here, I'm just gonna have to continue to thwart her at every attempt"??? There's some type of subconscious subterfuge here, and for the life of me, I can't figure out the motive behind it. So please share.
I do know you asked me a question:
Quote: What do I do the next day when I'm stuck in some freakin P/A groundhog day scene?
Since I've never had this scenario, I can't say with any expertise. BUT I think if I were to be put in your shoes, I'd start all over at "how I feel". Something along the lines of, "H, we discussed this yesterday so I'm confused. What else do I need to know here since I thought we resolved this yesterday?" I put feelings into blue... because I'd insert whatever feelings I was feeling, and I'd make them completely honest but mask whatever negative emotion I was feeling when conveying this. That is, keep it matter of fact but identify how you feel.
I'm more than interested in your thoughts on this subject. Because I have to tell you that I'm dang confused about this.
Betsey
p.s. E-mail offer still stands.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey
