Happy Birthday Corri!

[Underdog]

Honey,

I hear you loud and clear on the P/A behaviors. They SUCK! You know I married and divorced one of P/As finest... it still irks me, but I actively work on what I'm doing that contributes to that vicious cycle. And yep, ultimately I see my own behaviors as triggers for him to feel uncomfortable enough to engage at that level. If Mr. HP is anything like Mr. W., he's not enlightened enough to stop and think how *HE* can change his response to alter the outcome. Unfortunately, that leaves it up to you and me.

You might be wondering why I'm willing to do this post-D. I'll tell you. I still have to interact with him every day. And every day, he makes decisions that affect me. It is in my long term best interest to make changes possible so we can get along for eternity. I'd rather be interacting with him openly than running for cover when he starts that P/A sh!t. I've learned to address fire with fire, and 99% of the time, it works.

Let's use you for an example. You've given us some really useful information about the homeschooling alarm clock issue. And yes, I do see why he feels controlled. But GF, I also see why you're wondering WTF is he doing since your schedule is impacted by a variety of things. For the record, it was not difficult at all for me to envision myself in your shoes with Mr. W. doing the same thing. For whatever reason, he feels guilty about decisions he makes that impact others... So let's go over another imaginary dialogue, ala Betsey's new and improved style. I'll warn you that it is direct, and Mr. W. was QUITE taken aback the first time I did it. But bear with me, okay? Because it has really set the stage for some very lasting changes in our communication dynamics (minus the P/A). And yep, 99.5% of the time, Mr. Wonderful's P/A episodes are fear triggers resulting from my actions and words. His #1 fear (in my mind, that is) is being controlled by another person. FOO issues for him in a big way. Let's go, I'm you and Mr. W. is Mr. HP.

HP: "Sweetie, you've said before that you turn off the alarm clock because you feel bad for D that she has to get up so early for her schooling. Is that all of it, and is that true?"

MrHP: "Pretty much."

HP: "Why do you feel bad for her?"

MrHP: "I just do. [Insert whatever BS he might use as a smoke screen for guilt for his decision that affected you and your children.]

HP: "Have you changed your mind on the homeschooling?"

MrHP: "No! We both agreed that it's important. Why would you say that?"

HP: "Well, I'm just asking. Because from where I sit, I feel that you are sabotaging my efforts in successfully homeschooling her. "

MrHP: "No I'm not. There you go again, making assumptions on stuff."

HP: "I'm asking. I'm not telling you what you're doing. I'm telling you how I feel. Let me elaborate on why I feel that way. We have 3 daughters who require all my energy during the course of the day. I'm a mom, homemaker, chauffeur, personal assistant, shopper and teacher, among others. In order for me to continue to wear all those hats successfully, I've worked out a schedule that works for all of us. D and I know that early morning is the best time for her school work, and while we both are tired in the mornings, it's something we do. She'd be getting up if she were to hop on the school bus as well, so I don't feel our schedule is unreasonable."

MrHP: "Uh..."

HP: "She and I both NEED to follow this schedule. I want to make sure she's provided with the best possible education since I'm doing the job, and having to do it around the other 2 girls, particularly BabyPot, whose needs are still incredible as she's a toddler. If D can't get the education we both know she needs, she's going to suffer in the long run. So if you'd rather her go to school and get up a bit later, do you think we can talk about it so I know exactly what you're thinking? Because you turning off the alarm clock is setting her back, and it's not fair to her."

Okay, so here are my oh-so-specific rules when discussing these things with Mr. Wonderful:

1. Be direct and specific.
2. Don't attack his behavior or intent. Instead, focus on sharing with him how you feel. Repeat after me: How I feel is the problem, so I'll make sure I'm very specific when I share HOW I FEEL.
3. Provide examples that lead to how you feel, tying his actions without criticizing. Try to keep things as factual as possible.
4. Recap.
5. Shut up and listen when you're done.

I'm going to say that most of Mr. W's P/A maneuvers are done as a result of him feeling guilty about something and not feeling comfortable enough to share why he's feeling that way. So if there is the most remote chance that Mr. HP feels guilty, I'll bet that he's zeroed in on it, and rather than share his feelings with you (cause for whatever reason he still feels unsafe or controlled, and that is not all your fault) he sabotages you so you react and he feels better.

I can think of at least 10 past experiences where this has been true for me. They've all been vastly different, but are varying themes of his unwillingness to share how he feels--especially if his feelings have changed or if he's feeling guilty about something.

I absolutely HATE dealing with a P/A man. It sucks beyond belief. But I've learned a lot in 4 years, and for the most part, I can head things off at the pass. Oh, and in the beginning, I always reminded him that it was safe to share with me, no matter how bad it came out. I had to earn trust, but I forced myself to hear how he felt. Periodically, I remind him that it's okay if he's mad at me but to share with me. When he does, I can handle everything else.

Corri has my e-mail if you want to chat more offline.

And BF--I went back and re-read parts of Laura Doyle the other night. Funny. I didn't find that book offensive at all on that go around. I still find some of the concepts irritating as hell, but I was a whole lot more receptive to her ideas this time around. Whoever said you can't teach an old dog a new trick was wrong. I'm an old dog, and I think I've learned a lot of new tricks. Not bad, eh? So one of these days, I'll be the surrendered wife to someone who appreciates the fact that I have thorns and periodically bite.

Betsey