When is conversation and chewing the fat just that, and when does it begin to creep over into a need for validation and inappropirate emotional attachment?
I was wondering the same thing myself. Got hauled up by the boss yesterday for not giving the job 100%. Could be because I'm always sneaking a peek in here. And if I'm not sneaking a peek I'm composing new posts (on Word to post later). Every 5 minutes I'm doing a quick switcheroo between the window I'm meant to be in and the board window. It's not good
You guys do help, a lot, but chatting to RL friends usually happens outside of work hours.
What I think is most obsessive about being here is the amount of true sharing that goes on, and that sharing is what is lacking in our Rs. We share here BECAUSE IT IS ANONYMOUS and we feel safe. The 2*4s don't hurt that bad, no-one can see us tear up, we can take our time and think about a reply. That doesn't happen IRL.
I'm thinking of taking a breather from the board. I think I need to focus my energy on really working on the R with H not on composing posts to others here, or validating myself by posting my long and involved side of the story.
So - cheerio - au revoir - auf weidersehn - ciao. Bye
Good luck to all of you.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
<nod> Gotcha. WALK uphill in the snow (wind in the face both ways) to the TV to change one of the three channels LOL. Hey I was the remote, when I was a kid. Kids now are going to say... remember when we didnt have Tivo? <collective shudder>
Corri
our culture is very ... unnatural. we are tribal creatures, the whole single family dwelling, and not knowing or communing with your neighbors is unnatural. Can BB's become a habit. Yep. Is it an addiction? It can become one of those too.
does it affect your health/relationships/work? thats for you to determine. a crutch is a necessary tool to allow healing. Once the time of healing is finished, the tool can become 'a crutch' to avoid the pain of stretching into a healthy state. I think this is a great community of people who are marriage positive.
Lil said I think you're very healthy HAHAHAHAHAHA. LOL. Whew. thats funny. Do we prod the flanks and check the teeth now? I hope nobody here thinks I am healthy.
HP
from cobras thread
Quote: I need clarification. You say don't tell a man what to do. Are you referring to things like "I need you to hug me when I'm upset" and pukey things like that? (relax, corri, I'm joking. sort of) Or are you saying that I, as MrH's cohabiting partner, shouldn't make requests of him?
Here is an example: As you know, D7 is homeschooled. We have to get an early start or BabyPot ruins the scene with her antics. So I bought D7 an alarm clock and set it for 7:00. There were several days where she was MIA and I kept getting on her for getting a late start. (her bedroom is upstairs so I can't hear her alarm go off) It turns out that H was turning it off because he felt sorry for her having to get up and start school at 7:00. !!!!!!! Needless to say, this approach didn't work for me. I'm the one schooling her, so I get to say when she gets up. Furthermore, if you are going to turn off the alarm it would be prudent to at least TELL me so that I'm not riding D7's behind about it. Anyway, I made my request nicely, albeit through gritted teeth, and it has not been an issue since.
You say don't tell a man what to do. Are you referring to things like "I need you to hug me when I'm upset" and pukey things like that? (relax, corri, I'm joking. sort of)
First a request is not telling him what to do.
..always trying to get the man to show them love they way they feel and give love. (betaizing) The very act of telling their man what to do, how to do it, and why he is not doing it right is betaizing him. If he does it, he loses, [edit] because she will lose attraction for him. If he doesnt, she is unhappy/ he [edit] feels as if he is losing.
A lot of men do in fact like very specific and detailed instruction on how and what. Once they get them they have no problems doing it. But IF you have a H who balks at that and gets irritated...
Requests are fine. Personally I love love love love lists. They simultaneously give me a sense of accomplishment.. <Check. dun. next.> and a finishing point or goal to focus on. I think *in general* men are goal oriented, as opposed to busy work oriented. Write it down, so he can remember what is important to you, or that he may have overlooked, and take care of it, as soon as he is able.
Now about your sitch in specific. Are you referring to things like "I need you to hug me when I'm upset" and pukey things like that Your not being congruent. He may really suck at comforting, and not have developed those skills, like you said. In the above, Your trying to tell him how to react to some unspecified future event, IMO, so you dont have to be reveal your self. or criticising a failed past event which is unpalatable also.
What would he do, If you were to go to him when it hits you, and ask for a hug, or snuggle on the couch and after he starts, say I really miss my dad, can you just hold me for a little bit. Thats not telling him how to act, thats radical honesty. Thats living in the moment, and expressing the real HP. There is no expectation in that.
About the homeschooling/alarm thing. The first thing that jumped out at me was not you and Mr.Pot. as far as Mr.Pot goes its allready been handled. my suggestion,is something more along the lines of... If you are going to turn off her alarm, just tell me so I dont get upset with her for not obeying the 'rules'. Doing so in this manner is a tacit acknowledgement that you cant/dont control him, and lets him know (again) that he can act without fear of reprisal. Once he learns that, he may well start 'acting' more often. Telling him so directly shortly afterwards *may* help it click faster.
Back to what jumped out at me about this scenario ... Im not a parent, so I wont offer suggestions. But this jumped out as being the crux of the issue We have to get an early start or BabyPot ruins the scene with her antics. How does she have/Why has she been given so much power to control everyone elses scheduling around her?
I ran across this yesterday looking for stuff about 'The anatomy of peace'. Parenting Pyramid. PDF.
On of the songs in my rotation is eminems 'superman' (warning--an extremely bitter and misogynistic foul mouthed rant)
*how could it ever be just us two I never love you enough to trust you*
I heard that and thought, he has it backwards. When he trusts her, he wont have a choice but love her.
Quote: We share here BECAUSE IT IS ANONYMOUS and we feel safe.
Well *I* would very likely share this much even if we were an in-person group once we got to know each other. But then I enjoy spilling my guts.
As one of the administrators posted on cobra's thread, it is possible to talk and talk and talk as a way of not taking action IN YOUR R, but here on the board, all we can do is talk. There IS no action to take-- except leaving. And all of us have taken break(s) at one time or another.
Blackfoot, if it's any comfort to you, I think you're sick.
Quote: ...So i post all of this here... and you will all come in and do 'there, there,' stuff. Cuz you are all friends, etc.
Is this healthy?
Corri
Reminds me of a scene from the old "Crocodile Dundee" movie...where the title character is getting an explanation of "therapy". He'd thought that anyone seeking professional psychological help was in fact "crazy"...In response to the explanation that regular folks might go to a therapist to talk about their problems, he responded with an even more confused look and said, "what? doesn't she have any mates????"
So we're your "mates". nuthin' wrong with that. why spend +$150/hr for bad advice, when you can get it here for free from us?
Quote: Oh yes. So i post all of this here... and you will all come in and do 'there, there,' stuff. Cuz you are all friends, etc.
Is this healthy?
Corri
Corri,
My honest opinion is that it is a fine line between healthy and unhealthy when it comes to anonymous internet boards or chat rooms. I know that for me - regular participation quickly turns unhealthy because I get addicted. I draw the line at periodic lurking and occassional posting.
Having said that, this board helped me enormously when I was going through an extremely rough patch. When I found this board, I had just had a baby, was going through some kind of post-partum hormonal craziness and my H had withdrawn emotionally from the marriage. We had been in an SSM for a long time, but something about that combination of factors combined with my participation on this board helped me get my act together and make some real changes. I grew more in those few months than I ever have at any other time in my life.
So its for you to decide whether the benefits outweigh the negatives. I'm excited for you - I hope that everything falls into place for you. You go, girl!
Quote: What would he do, If you were to go to him when it hits you, and ask for a hug, or snuggle on the couch and after he starts, say I really miss my dad, can you just hold me for a little bit. Thats not telling him how to act, thats radical honesty. Thats living in the moment, and expressing the real HP. There is no expectation in that.
Wow that's good stuff. You know my first reaction to that was Oh (insert bad word) I can't do that. That would be too...much. Then I thought about it some more and realized that it didn't appeal to me because I don't really want to be 'held' or whatever when I'm down. WHAT do I want, that is the problem. I don't know myself and so I can't ask for what I need.
Quote: If you are going to turn off her alarm, just tell me so I dont get upset with her for not obeying the 'rules'.
This is what I said the first time he did it. So I mistakenly thought that he understood not to do it again and THAT is where I made my mistake. So the next day, instead of reacting like I did the first day I got irritated and said Why do you keep turning her alarm off? By the 3rd day it was just hard for me to keep my cool but I did. See I'm not really a control freak in the sense that I'm hovering over his shoulder, watching his every move. I'm more the variety of "If I tell you how I want it done, then I expect that's how it will be done". Yikes I can totally see how that attitude irks him off and yet I can't come up with a way to handle these types of situations. Eventually I get what I want. But the Getting There and Not Losing Temper portion of the dance drives me crazy and tests my limits of self control.
Quote: How does she have/Why has she been given so much power to control everyone elses scheduling around her?
It's not that I've given her power; she's a baby and they just sorta take it. Seriously she just doesn't have the maturity or self control to be able to make it thru 2 hours of school without being disruptive to the nth degree. Even when she's being good, she's still completely disruptive. It is not fair to D7's education for me to be horsing around with her the entire time.
I liked the article! I love reading articles about parenting and kids. It is hard for me to think about how to put some of it into practice with little kids, as young as my own. So much of my days is repetitive discipline; it's hard for me to realize that someday this won't be the bulk of my parenting, kwim? For example, I say things to D2 like "Don't play in the toilet; it's only for potty" or whatever but I'm not at all sure how to turn that into a teachable moment. By the way, that is not a I'll just throw that out there example, I really did have to fish her out of the toilet 3 times in 1.5 hours this morning.
Anywayyyyyyy that's neither here nor there. I appreciate your input. Acting without fear of reprisal. Got it. I may ramble on a lot but I do grasp the meat of your post (leave that one alone, if you dare) and put it into practice.
Corri, I hear what you're saying. I think each of us knows whether our participation here is healthy or not. Since I have nearly 5000 posts in 3 years, I'm guessing I fall into the psycho category, lol. Seriously I used to be like Fran, checking every 10 minutes and feeling the need to respond all the time. Not so much anymore. Many days I don't even turn my computer on and this is *huge* for me. It feels so freeing. Only you can determine whether you are 'using' this board for unhealthy purposes. These days, this is what happens to me: I only sporadically check the boards, find it more or less uninteresting. Then I slowly start posting again and feel the need to divulge parts of my life. Then as I'm ostensibly chit chatting, I realize that I'm unconsciously trying to work somethin out. I'm sure that you folks here see it before I do. It's always in retrospect that I go, Oh that's why I started posting again, cause I need to get to work on *that*.
For me, an easy rule of thumb is this: If it enhances my personal life, I think it is doing it's job. If it detracts from my personal life (and I've let it do this a *thousand* times) then it is unhealthy.
Now, on to your other unspoken question. Excessive communication. I am guessing that he is talking about folks who want to talk everything to death but all the while are circling each other like sharks, making sure that none of the talk actually reveals anything. I think we are all guilty of that, at times. Some more than others perhaps.
Do what you have to do, sis. I'm rooting for you no matter what you decide. I do want your email address so I can check in with you from time to time, if you decide to vamoose.
Quote: Do what you have to do, sis. I'm rooting for you no matter what you decide. I do want your email address so I can check in with you from time to time, if you decide to vamoose.
Oh, I'm not taking off... my posting here goes in fits and starts, depending on what's going on in my life. Just had a few 'anxious' days here recently... kind of emotionally wigging out... I'm also wondering if this might not be one of those 'months' for me... I hauled out the Black Cohosh this morning.
But in any event, here is my email address: corri@ftio.com
As far as the comforting thing goes... I hear you. BF had a great suggestion... and you'll figure the rest out, I have NO DOUBT.
Ditto on the "wigging out" thing Corri. My brain and emotions have been all over the place lately. The few posts I have made over the last month or so I wince at when I go back and re-read them a few days later. I think I'm doing an ok job (who knows) being solid for my W, but all that bottled up wildness gives me fits during the quiet times.
I hope your anxious days don't get the better of you.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Again, I'm late for the party. I'll admit that your musings have definitely piqued my interest. I've been wondering some of the same things as you posted, so I'll be watching you more carefully in case you send a lightning bolt my way.
I've been wayyyyyy busy lately--and too busy to post. So in my time not reading the BB and living life, I've kinda sorta come to the conclusion that some good chunks away from dissecting and analyzing are healthy and good for you.
Take that FWIW, and I'll pop in a bit later.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey