<nod> Gotcha. WALK uphill in the snow (wind in the face both ways) to the TV to change one of the three channels LOL. Hey I was the remote, when I was a kid. Kids now are going to say... remember when we didnt have Tivo? <collective shudder>
Corri
our culture is very ... unnatural. we are tribal creatures, the whole single family dwelling, and not knowing or communing with your neighbors is unnatural. Can BB's become a habit. Yep. Is it an addiction? It can become one of those too.
does it affect your health/relationships/work? thats for you to determine. a crutch is a necessary tool to allow healing. Once the time of healing is finished, the tool can become 'a crutch' to avoid the pain of stretching into a healthy state. I think this is a great community of people who are marriage positive.
Lil said I think you're very healthy HAHAHAHAHAHA. LOL. Whew. thats funny. Do we prod the flanks and check the teeth now? I hope nobody here thinks I am healthy.
HP
from cobras thread
Quote: I need clarification. You say don't tell a man what to do. Are you referring to things like "I need you to hug me when I'm upset" and pukey things like that? (relax, corri, I'm joking. sort of) Or are you saying that I, as MrH's cohabiting partner, shouldn't make requests of him?
Here is an example: As you know, D7 is homeschooled. We have to get an early start or BabyPot ruins the scene with her antics. So I bought D7 an alarm clock and set it for 7:00. There were several days where she was MIA and I kept getting on her for getting a late start. (her bedroom is upstairs so I can't hear her alarm go off) It turns out that H was turning it off because he felt sorry for her having to get up and start school at 7:00. !!!!!!! Needless to say, this approach didn't work for me. I'm the one schooling her, so I get to say when she gets up. Furthermore, if you are going to turn off the alarm it would be prudent to at least TELL me so that I'm not riding D7's behind about it. Anyway, I made my request nicely, albeit through gritted teeth, and it has not been an issue since.
You say don't tell a man what to do. Are you referring to things like "I need you to hug me when I'm upset" and pukey things like that? (relax, corri, I'm joking. sort of)
First a request is not telling him what to do.
..always trying to get the man to show them love they way they feel and give love. (betaizing) The very act of telling their man what to do, how to do it, and why he is not doing it right is betaizing him. If he does it, he loses, [edit] because she will lose attraction for him. If he doesnt, she is unhappy/ he [edit] feels as if he is losing.
A lot of men do in fact like very specific and detailed instruction on how and what. Once they get them they have no problems doing it. But IF you have a H who balks at that and gets irritated...
Requests are fine. Personally I love love love love lists. They simultaneously give me a sense of accomplishment.. <Check. dun. next.> and a finishing point or goal to focus on. I think *in general* men are goal oriented, as opposed to busy work oriented. Write it down, so he can remember what is important to you, or that he may have overlooked, and take care of it, as soon as he is able.
Now about your sitch in specific. Are you referring to things like "I need you to hug me when I'm upset" and pukey things like that Your not being congruent. He may really suck at comforting, and not have developed those skills, like you said. In the above, Your trying to tell him how to react to some unspecified future event, IMO, so you dont have to be reveal your self. or criticising a failed past event which is unpalatable also.
What would he do, If you were to go to him when it hits you, and ask for a hug, or snuggle on the couch and after he starts, say I really miss my dad, can you just hold me for a little bit. Thats not telling him how to act, thats radical honesty. Thats living in the moment, and expressing the real HP. There is no expectation in that.
About the homeschooling/alarm thing. The first thing that jumped out at me was not you and Mr.Pot. as far as Mr.Pot goes its allready been handled. my suggestion,is something more along the lines of... If you are going to turn off her alarm, just tell me so I dont get upset with her for not obeying the 'rules'. Doing so in this manner is a tacit acknowledgement that you cant/dont control him, and lets him know (again) that he can act without fear of reprisal. Once he learns that, he may well start 'acting' more often. Telling him so directly shortly afterwards *may* help it click faster.
Back to what jumped out at me about this scenario ... Im not a parent, so I wont offer suggestions. But this jumped out as being the crux of the issue We have to get an early start or BabyPot ruins the scene with her antics. How does she have/Why has she been given so much power to control everyone elses scheduling around her?
I ran across this yesterday looking for stuff about 'The anatomy of peace'. Parenting Pyramid. PDF.
On of the songs in my rotation is eminems 'superman' (warning--an extremely bitter and misogynistic foul mouthed rant)
*how could it ever be just us two I never love you enough to trust you*
I heard that and thought, he has it backwards. When he trusts her, he wont have a choice but love her.
