Okay.

I've been reading this Deida book, which I really, really like, for a variety of reasons. If only spiritually speaking, I like this guy. But there are many, many more reasons.... so I highly recommend it to anyone.

He did bring up something, kind of as a by-way of mentioning... and I think my brain tripped over itself and went azz over end a couple or 10 times before it came to a screeching halt.

Can't remember which page its on at the moment... but. When people aren't in polarity and in-center... they will use excessive conversation as a means of making themselves feel better... much like one who over indulges in food or drink or sex or smoking... or any type of excess.

Stopped me cold in my tracks.

I'm just throwing this out there, because sometimes something can be very innocuous... and at others... not so much. We lean on each other here as a means of emotional support... like MoJo says... it's where everybody knows your name, but not really, and we're always glad your came (literally, not figuratively)...

And i've gotten to know some people on this board fairly well... and I'm always concerned and interested in everyone, even Cemar (even though he won't write back to me, which I knew he wouldn't but it effectively put a tweak on his groussing, eh?).

So... do I have a point or a question. I think I do. A thing that recently came to my attention, I suppose... is because I enjoy conversation with others... love it actually... I wonder if I use it, and this board, as a crutch to avoid intimacy. When is conversation and chewing the fat just that, and when does it begin to creep over into a need for validation and inappropirate emotional attachment? Not saying I want to run off with anyone... but if you are getting your tank filled here, at least through validation and converation... some flipping connection, if nothing else... is that... out of bounds?

I mean... seriously. I'm NOT in a SSM anymore. I'm off on my own, making it on my own...for the very first time in my life... trying out new things, a new life, a new love... all kinds of new things... and I flat out get scared sh!tless sometimes. Other times, I am exhilerated by the challenge and can I do it? (Of course I can... but you know. Life is such an unknown). Anyways... I still come back here to chew the fat... to listen, to comment, to make harsh comments which you all have to come in and save me on (Corri didn't mean to be so harsh... I'd soften it a bit... thank you Mojo)... even when I'm not posting I still LURK. Well. There was a six month spree I didn't even look, but my life was turning upside down.

I pounded on Honey for I can't tell you how long to get the heck off these boards and start living her life. Did the same thing with Jenny. A few others, I am sure. I pound on everyone.

I wonder if I should start pounding on myself.

I don't want to leave. (sniffle). Got that whole 'leaving the nest jitters,' if you will. Everything about my life has changed. Everything. I think I've globbed on to anyone who would have me, simply because I am scared and exhilerated all at the same time. Trying to get my barrings.

If there is anyone who has been through a major life change... Lil, UD... anybody else... who can weigh in and help me set my compass straight, I'd appreciate it.

For example. The last few months have been lean. And are getting leaner with Xmas approaching. I"m fine, I'm fine. Got it all worked out because I'm so fcking anal. But still. Even tho I have it worked out, I have a plan, I'm fine and I will be fine... I still freak. I get... panicky. I look for someone to grab onto. Won't do it with the guy I am dating because.... because... because....

I don't want to come off as a poor bumkin, when I'm not... 'cuz I'm fine... but if I say anything to him, his answer is... "I'll pay for it." Which is not what I want. I don't want anyone to pay my way... which isn't the flippin point... tho... he is the first one to say to me... "don't worry. you can do this. I know you can."

And jesus... I lost my point. Can anyone see a point in this rhambling? Oh yes. So i post all of this here... and you will all come in and do 'there, there,' stuff. Cuz you are all friends, etc.

Is this healthy?

Corri