Hi karen I was wondering where you had disappeared to.
I understand why they do it, and I am butally honest (but humorous) and upfront, about what I want (or dont), where I am at, and who I am. This is partly what I meant by not engaging in rapport.
I feel as if I have lost nearly all of my defensiveness, and bitterness. Its been a year. 6 months of no R's to go and thats fine with me, cause I have a slew of projects I am working on.
Yesterday, I spent with family, and then toured some new hot spots with some new acquaintences sampling the spirits. <--thats for the headache and light sensitiviy.
Hey ya'll... I know I keep coming late to the party, but better late than never? Before I head into things, just want to wish Blackie a happy birthday. 34, huh? Man, you're a young-un. Hope you've got some special stuff lined up to celebrate this weekend?
Oh, Honey...
Quote: I'm not sure that having a big "what do you need from me" discussion would make things better or worse with him. Probably worse. He would see it as HIGHLY unmasculine to have such a convo, though he'd begrudgingly participate. (mrH does what he's told, after all)
Honey, all transitions are going to be met with some resistance. So expect any changes to be difficult at first. Perhaps if you can teach him how to communicate with you, things might move in a more intimate sharing. Follow the adage of only rewarding the positive efforts?
Mr. Wonderful also told me that he didn't have emotions. You do realize that it's a stalling tactic to deflect them from sharing? Sharing is probably the most intimate connection one can have with another--because it requires trust, vulnerability and complete openness. And some people (I refuse to make any gender statements, because I know some women who share this dynamic) have conditioned themselves to shutting off the pipeline to revealing emotions to others. I'd be willing to bet there are some deep rooted FOO issues there--because I sure as heck know that it's true for me.
So perhaps you start small. You share small things that don't require too much focus from Mr. HP. Keep it short--10-15 minutes. Thank him for listening and reward him in a 5LL manner. And start by sharing non-critical-but HP related tidbits... one where YOU share emotion and label properly.
For example, if some PTO b!tch said something that hurt you. You tell him that you're hurt and looking for reassurance. When he gives it to you, express gratitude and reward.
Even if he never learns how to do it with you (and I think that was your point--you're not looking for him to do this), give him the tools to allow YOU to be you WITH him. Does this make sense?
I feel your pain. I think these are difficult exercises in building intimacy. And from what I've learned about you, me and a slew of other women here, we can have sex (and lots of it) without intimacy. But at some point, women just crave some level of sharing with their men--if only they're willing to just tune in for a few minutes.
That's on my wish list for my next man. Memo to me: Search for man with 2 huge ears and a little mouth. Big tongue, though.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Glad to hear you doing so well. Like Corri and HP, I am sometimes embarrassed on behalf of womankind for the dating behaviors of women. I am hopeful that your tactics will cull through some of the goofiness that passes for dating conversation and help you find someone that is able to converse on the level you are looking for.
The problem with the agegroup you are dating in (unless you want to date 20 year olds instead) is the old biolgical clock. It really scares some women but where they miss the boat is that if you are only pressing someone to move an R along in order to have a baby and end up divorced in the end you may as well go to a sperm bank. It is a whole lot less messy and painful. I am absolutely militant with women I know about not pressing and manipulating some poor man to the altar - that kind of thing comes back at you in ways you couldn't possibly guess at the outset.
I am doing well - I have gained a few pound right out front. I was initially unable to work out but have gotten into safe territory to resume some mild workouts again. My H is a big fan of the pregnant form (go figure) so I am happily being "petted" regularly. I am into the second trimester now so I will be able to resume regular workouts.
Keep us posted Bf - we enjoy knowing how you are and living vicariously through you and Corri's dating lives.
Thor's Hammer. LOLOL I've been walking around laughing at that for a while. Kids probably think I'm nuts. Fwiw, I don't know what kind of 'girl' you have me pegged as, but I did not always have a boyfriend, actually I vacillated between being choosy and therefore celibate for long periods of time, and going overboard with my horniness and doing the 3 guys thing. Most of the time though it was the former. I do know the type of girl you are talking about, though.
Just wanted to let you know that you win the Make Honey Laugh award for the day, which is normally presented to Hairdog and sometimes MrsNOP.
Golly I still can't stop. It is especially funny to me, as MrH was very nearly named Thor by his parents.
I'm glad to see that you had a good birthday and enough libations to act like a bit of a, shall we say, EssenceHead. Oh well, you redeemed yourself with your hilarious stories of your drill sergeant grandma and of course, Thor's Hammer. Dang there I go again.
Oh and yes it was a baby tooth that was sortof loose but not really. That's what happens when you try to steal someone else's graham crackers, eh. We went to a party this weekend and people asked about her new smile and she replied, I tried to steal my sister's crackers and she whacked me. Now I look like this.
Oh and yes it was a baby tooth that was sortof loose but not really. That's what happens when you try to steal someone else's graham crackers, eh. We went to a party this weekend and people asked about her new smile and she replied, I tried to steal my sister's crackers and she whacked me. Now I look like this ___________________________________________________________
OMG - too funny.
Thought you would appreciate this one. DD2 was co-flower girl with DD9 in my brother's wedding yesterday. Up until the day of the wedding she REFUSED to wear the dress for more than 30 seconds at a time. Day of since her sister had her dress on she consented to wearing it, walked down the aisle like a pro, dropping clumps (not a petal or two) of rose petals in her wake and then arrived at the end of the aisle, held her arms up and announced "I did it!". It was hysterical!
Blackfoot
My wishes are for all who has had a Bday on this thread recently or just feels like celebrating one.
I'm 25*2, somewhat like your alley cat that got in one too many fights and was not born with the gift of gab therefore we just treat with the preferred currency of the world. Chocolate.
(came from the Generation who had to WALK uphill in the snow (wind in the face both ways) to the TV to change one of the three channels. Thus chocolate was necessary fuel)
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I've been reading this Deida book, which I really, really like, for a variety of reasons. If only spiritually speaking, I like this guy. But there are many, many more reasons.... so I highly recommend it to anyone.
He did bring up something, kind of as a by-way of mentioning... and I think my brain tripped over itself and went azz over end a couple or 10 times before it came to a screeching halt.
Can't remember which page its on at the moment... but. When people aren't in polarity and in-center... they will use excessive conversation as a means of making themselves feel better... much like one who over indulges in food or drink or sex or smoking... or any type of excess.
Stopped me cold in my tracks.
I'm just throwing this out there, because sometimes something can be very innocuous... and at others... not so much. We lean on each other here as a means of emotional support... like MoJo says... it's where everybody knows your name, but not really, and we're always glad your came (literally, not figuratively)...
And i've gotten to know some people on this board fairly well... and I'm always concerned and interested in everyone, even Cemar (even though he won't write back to me, which I knew he wouldn't but it effectively put a tweak on his groussing, eh?).
So... do I have a point or a question. I think I do. A thing that recently came to my attention, I suppose... is because I enjoy conversation with others... love it actually... I wonder if I use it, and this board, as a crutch to avoid intimacy. When is conversation and chewing the fat just that, and when does it begin to creep over into a need for validation and inappropirate emotional attachment? Not saying I want to run off with anyone... but if you are getting your tank filled here, at least through validation and converation... some flipping connection, if nothing else... is that... out of bounds?
I mean... seriously. I'm NOT in a SSM anymore. I'm off on my own, making it on my own...for the very first time in my life... trying out new things, a new life, a new love... all kinds of new things... and I flat out get scared sh!tless sometimes. Other times, I am exhilerated by the challenge and can I do it? (Of course I can... but you know. Life is such an unknown). Anyways... I still come back here to chew the fat... to listen, to comment, to make harsh comments which you all have to come in and save me on (Corri didn't mean to be so harsh... I'd soften it a bit... thank you Mojo)... even when I'm not posting I still LURK. Well. There was a six month spree I didn't even look, but my life was turning upside down.
I pounded on Honey for I can't tell you how long to get the heck off these boards and start living her life. Did the same thing with Jenny. A few others, I am sure. I pound on everyone.
I wonder if I should start pounding on myself.
I don't want to leave. (sniffle). Got that whole 'leaving the nest jitters,' if you will. Everything about my life has changed. Everything. I think I've globbed on to anyone who would have me, simply because I am scared and exhilerated all at the same time. Trying to get my barrings.
If there is anyone who has been through a major life change... Lil, UD... anybody else... who can weigh in and help me set my compass straight, I'd appreciate it.
For example. The last few months have been lean. And are getting leaner with Xmas approaching. I"m fine, I'm fine. Got it all worked out because I'm so fcking anal. But still. Even tho I have it worked out, I have a plan, I'm fine and I will be fine... I still freak. I get... panicky. I look for someone to grab onto. Won't do it with the guy I am dating because.... because... because....
I don't want to come off as a poor bumkin, when I'm not... 'cuz I'm fine... but if I say anything to him, his answer is... "I'll pay for it." Which is not what I want. I don't want anyone to pay my way... which isn't the flippin point... tho... he is the first one to say to me... "don't worry. you can do this. I know you can."
And jesus... I lost my point. Can anyone see a point in this rhambling? Oh yes. So i post all of this here... and you will all come in and do 'there, there,' stuff. Cuz you are all friends, etc.
This is a community--- like people who bowl together, or go to church together, or walk their dogs every day together... no need to remove yourself, but if you do, you can always come back. This is a very unusual mix of sensitive, intelligent, well-read, insightful people. Why give that up?
I think Deida is talking about "talking" a relationship to death... not that people can't disappear into the internet, but I don't think that applies here.
<--thats for the headache and light sensitiviy. 
Betsey 
