Quote: There is a world of difference in vulnerability levels between complimenting carpentry work and telling him how much he means to you, how he makes you feel like a woman and all that good stuff.
I tell him this stuff, but on my own timetable. When it feels safest for me to do so. THAT is what I would like to change.
Quote: This statement about the cabinets seems to be one of those defenses, almost like you rally to his side when there is a mutually perceived risk of opening the emotional lid. If that lid opens, then you are vulnerable too, so team up and keep it shut. Do you sense this
Not at all. I was trying to describe what he is all about and I do that via giving examples. It is true that sometimes I bash him, while others I sing his praises. I'm female, we do that.
Regarding your last paragraph: I do not think that men are dumb, logical, unfeeling creatures. I happen to LOVE men and love the way they are. My H frustrates me with his male-ness but I certainly don't want him acting like a female and being able to sip coffee and 'talk'. Gag.
However, I'm not sure I need to know the ins and outs of his mind in order to make myself 'safe' for him. That's where my approach and yours differs, I think. From the experience of living with him for 12 years I know how to present myself in such a way so that it is easy for him to open up, again, if he feels like it. I am not a manipulator and don't want to control the outcome of his emotions or our interactions. I'm not saying that cause it is the 'healthy' thing to say on this board, it's how I really feel. I've learned from trial and error that he does NOT want me to say much when he's down. He wants me in the room but not talking. I can touch him but not in a patting there-there way. No massages, even. Just firm touch. I've also learned that he likes to open up in bed, in the dark. I'm fine with that.
My point is that I know how to act in a way that greases the intimacy gears. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I'm working on it, like all of us.
I'm not sure that having a big "what do you need from me" discussion would make things better or worse with him. Probably worse. He would see it as HIGHLY unmasculine to have such a convo, though he'd begrudgingly participate. (mrH does what he's told, after all)
Well, all this extraneous information probably means I'm deflecting (or bored, lol) so I'll shutup.
