Corri, Yes that's much closer. Especially the You Can't See Me Cry business. That's just hittin the nail on the head.
The letting people help me..well, a little. Not much though, truthfully.
I have done the same thing with not letting MrH see me cry. True, when he does see it, he acts like a fool but the God's honest truth is that I don't want him to see it anyway. I think that's why I brought it up...because I recognize that I need to get more intimate with him but that we are both going to have to grow up a little, first. I think I can work through my own inhibitions but, at the same time, he has to learn how to support me and not put pressure on me to stop. Further, I have to think of a way to teach him how to do this..how I need it done. I'm still working on that one. Just yesterday we were conversing about D7 getting her tooth knocked out and he interrupted me and said, Oh and I guess this is my fault. I said, WHAT are you talking about? and sorta laughed because of the absurdity of the question. He said, Whenever you get that tone in your voice I assume I've done something wrong. I said, Well I think that is your problem, then, because I do not think any such thing--I was just telling you about it. Now, Cobra, before you jump on me, I said that nicely but firmly, kwim? I didn't snap at him but at the same time, I aint taking responsibility for that, no sirree bob. I have worked too hard over the years to curb my anger and snottiness and ask for things in a nice way, even if I am friggin fuming on the inside. So he's not going to turn his anxiety around on me.
Corri, back to you. Here is a snippet from last night: Scene: MrH rubbing my feet while I read a magazine. (yes I have a hard life, lol) In my mind, I am thinking how doggone wonderful it was and it was hitting the spot and that I should really tell him this and before I knew what I was doing, a contented sigh slipped out. He misinterpreted it--as he always does, gotta put the negative spin on absolutely everything, ya know--and said, Oh you want me to quit? And I froze up. WHY I have no idea. I was fighting internally because I wanted to say "My gosh no, it is the most wonderful thing I've felt all day" and yet there was this weird battle going on in my mind cause I didn't want him to know how much I enjoyed it--how much I need him. In the end, I stuttered out, No I love it. He said, You DO? I said oh yeah it is hitting the spot, thank you *so* much for doing it.
I've got to learn to let him in on a reliable basis. Me giving him WOA is no problem for me. Me letting him see that I need him, what is going on internally with me, is a whole other ballgame. I'm sporadic with that one.
MrH always jokes around that he has no 'feelings' and, truthfully, I don't see his emotions all that often. Funerals don't phase him much. Our kids don't make him get misty. But, Corri, reading that 4 inch thick binder in my basement clued me in real fast--this guy goes pretty deep. Why he won't let me see that side I don't know and don't care but it bothered me a lot that he wrote letters to me and put them in the binder instead of giving them to me cause he could not trust my reaction. I want to change that.
