Sorry, girlfriend, I've been thinking about you and this whole giving/receiving thing... and I'm having a hard time letting it go.
I just don't think we've correctly identified the type of giving/receiving you are struggling with... so I'm going to take a shot at it, and you can tell me if I'm in the right neighborhood.
I don't think you have a problem g/r with tangible things, like presents, or even superficial intangible things, like compliments or help with the dishes.
I think it centers more on what I guess I call soul g/r.
For example. I am the FIRST person to rush in and comfort a friend, bring them a casserole, offer emotional support. Where I absolutely SUCK is in asking for help. I hate the thought of ME inconveniencing someone. So I don't ask... when I could really use the help. It makes me feel guilty that, 1), I planned so piss poorly that I got myself into a jam (and I can't even admit if something is beyond my planning... I think I should have just KNOWN)... and 2), I have to ask someone to help get me out of the jam. Ewh.
But in doing something like this, I rob myself and a friend of a 'soul exchange.' I rob them of feeling good about helping me... and I avoid the guilt I feel in having to ask. I would infinitely rather someone just 'notice' I need help and 'do it' so I don't have to ask.
As a single mother, I have gotten over this very quickly. pains me greatly to admit that. Ah well. I hung up my SuperWoman Cape.
On another level, which I don't think you have a problem with... is asking for what I would like sexually. I feel like the act of 'asking' is somehow taken as a criticism of the other person. But in not asking, I cannot receive. Which... once I get over myself and ask... I actually have to let it happen. Ugh. I'm GETTING OVER that one in a very delicious way.
Another one I have a hard time with is allowing someone to comfort me, and JUST FORGET me asking for it. I rarely cry.... at least in front of others, especially an intimate partner. I'm still struggling with this one.
There was one night I got upset about something, can't remember what... and instead of just 'letting it out,' I waited until he fell asleep, got up, went into another room so I wouldn't wake him, and let loose.
Well. I guess he wasn't asleep because he came looking for me. My god I was mortified. He was having none of it. He didn't say a word, just sat down behind me, pulled me into him, and held me. And as I was too far into my crying jag and could not stop even if I wanted to... I just continued on, feeling mortified... but... oddly comforted by the fact that he was just sitting there and making no big deal of it.
So he caught me in the act, and the whole g/r thing happened in spite of me... but I still have a hard time being sad in front of him. I don't know why... and I've gottent to the point that I don't care why, I just want to get over it... because I rob him and me of a very deep intimate exchange.
Ugh, god it sucks. Big kahoonas. But... I am getting such a charge out of discovering this very unexplored side of me, that the fear of it... whatever it is... is being overshawdowed by my extreme curiosity over whether I can do it again or not. I'm so proud of me when I do...
So... is this the type of giving/receiving that you are talking about?
