It sounds to me like you would really like to have your H empathize with you in your grief issues. Wouldn’t it feel better knowing you and he are on the same team, and that your grief is his grief, and this is an issue for the both of you, not just you alone? Isn’t there comfort in the fact that you can depend on him to support you?
Schnarch might say this is your issue and you have to deal with it on your own. Your H can be empathic, but he can react as he likes, it is then back on your shoulders to decide whether you want to accept his response or not. Instead, why don’t you and your H talk about what you each want and need from one another, where you each experienced holes in your childhood and what you can each do to help the other as a team member to jointly slay your dragons?
This is where the difference in emotionally focused therapy and Schnarchian differentiation come in – knowing that you are not alone.
