Corri,
You're absolutely right.

I do derail myself a lot simply because I can't keep my yap shut.

You know, I have had a lot of success in staying calm and nicely asking H to stop when he's doing something I find offensive. Rather than get into a drawn out conversation about 'what I need' etc (which would be a "please pull my fingernails out instead" moment for him) I think if I just stayed calm and asked him nicely to stop, he'd do it and then go on to exceed my hopes, in terms of a nice convo. So you are right.

My own frustration seeps in because we've been married 11 years and, in my mind, that is enough time to have acquired some coversational skills. HOWEVER!! I am so up to the task of redirecting him instead of getting nasty myself.

I know you know this....but it is sooooooooo damned hard for me to open up to him. To let him see my grief over my father's death was pretty big. Since the day he asked me to stop, I haven't so much as appeared sad in front of him, even though I am overcome with sadness every single day. It's not that I'm acting out of revenge or resentment; it's more like a kid who touches a hot stove--you don't do it twice, right. And that's not even it, either...it's more like I have utterly lost any inclination to let him see my grief and have buried it instead.

BUT, again, that has as much to do with me as it does with him. He acted like an insensitive jerk but I am still required to let him in.

And once I let him in, I have to find the strength within to continue letting him in, even after he acts like an idjit.

My gosh, woman, do you realize what you are asking of me??